There is so much hubbub floating around these days on the proper way to raise an infant. To schedule a baby, not to schedule a baby, cry it out, no cry technique, the Ferber method. Yada, yada, yada. I have spent WAY too much time letting what I read make me feel guilty about how I choose to raise my own children and run my daycare. Every time I read some of these articles I am left feeling like an awful, evil person. Then when I post some of my thoughts and feelings on the subject I am left feeling that there are eyes of judgment all around me. I no longer wish to live my life that way. The truth is, I care about children and have devoted my adult life to them. In the end I just want to raise and be around happy, well adjusted children. Everything I choose to do with them in how I work with them and raise them is only intended to help them, and keep me happy in the process. After all, what good am I to them if I am not happy caring for them simply because I am told I must do it this way or that way? If this is the calling given to me by God, I don’t think he intends for me to be unhappy doing it. I am writing this as one final “say my piece” and then I will keep my mouth shut. Truly, my only wish is that all of us “mothers” would stop telling other mothers what is right or wrong for them and just support them as long as each and every mother’s choices truly has everyone’s best interest at heart and does what she does out of love and concern for everyone involved.
I am a firm believer on scheduling a baby, but at the same time after running daycare, I have come to realize that some babies just aren’t schedule babies. It has caused me an incredible amount of emotional turmoil and guilt because in order to meet the needs of a demanding baby, I have to cheat the needs of the other children. For those babies, I think being at home with their parents truly is the best thing and yes, I have even tried to encourage the mother of a certain child I watch to stay at home with her, but was unable to convince her.
With my own children I was able to schedule them fairly easy. It did require some tough love and some crying, but it worked and they are happy, well-behaved, adjusted children. It worked for our family. I am a very scheduled person by nature and I think when I am unable to put a child on a schedule it stresses me out because it compromises the care of the other children (I’ll go into this more later). So in a sense, not having them on a schedule is a detriment to their care because of what it does to me and my feelings about how I care for ALL of them. All children deserve a caretaker that is happy, healthy, and enjoying being with them.
I say this, not because I am set in my ways, but schedules actually help me better meet the needs of the children. How? When a child is on a schedule and crying around their usual nap time, I know it is because they need a nap. If they start crying around their usual eating time, I know it is because they are hungry. If they are crying at an unusual time that is not usually their nap or eating time, then I know it is something different like teething, illness, or just needing a hug or a snuggle.
Sleep has been my biggest stressor of all for babies who aren’t scheduled. There are times I know they are tired, but they just WON’T go to sleep, they fight it EVERY time. This is where many people would argue you just have to hold them and rock them until they sleep; to do otherwise is cruel and unusual. Babies need this and you can’t spoil them. Yes, I understand this. Yes, I know about all the studies. Yes, I agree for newborns this is the case, and I have done this for newborns. They have an uncanning ability to tune out the noise and chaos around them and fall asleep in the arms of their caretaker. However, once a child reaches a certain age, that ability to fall asleep amidst the chaos disappears (for most); they become aware of their surroundings and trying to fall asleep with other children running around playing and being loud is just too stimulating in a daycare setting. They are unable to fall asleep in the chaos.
This is when I run into trouble. I can’t close myself off in another room and rock and rock and snuggle and snuggle. I have to be able to keep my eye on the other children in my care or I would be completely negligent if something horrible happened. Then, there is also the dilemma of the baby who decides they are tired right in the middle of snack time, lunch time, story time, when someone needs to use the potty, or during preschool time. A baby who can fall asleep on their own will not be short changed by these things because they can simply be laid down, a baby who is dependent on constant holding and rocking to fall asleep may be shorted by the other children during these times, or the other children will be shorted by the baby. It really is a no win situation for me and leaves me feeling like I failed someone every time. (Oh, and yes I have tried baby wearing to alleviate this problem, but after they get to a certain weight, this just isn’t very practical and summer months makes it seem almost dangerous because the baby and I end up sweating to death).
Suddenly, being able to fall asleep on their own becomes survival for everyone. They need sleep to be happy and healthy children. I need them to sleep to be happy and healthy children, because children who aren’t happy and healthy make my job 20 times harder and end up cheating the other children out of a happy environment.
I guess I can only speak from personal experience, but overall, all the children that I have watched who have been on schedules are happy children. These last two weeks the baby that I have been unable to schedule has FINALLY started to fall into a schedule. Guess what? They have been the best two weeks that I’ve had with her. She is happy when she is awake and when she cries, I know exactly what she needs so the crying has been minimal. She still cries going down for naps, but slowly that time has been going down and we have even had a few times where she didn’t cry at all. Her naps which once were only 30 minutes, are starting to lengthen. This has made for a well rested baby that is MUCH happier. So….it is working FOR US. It has been a long time coming, but better late than never!
I’ll just end by saying this. I have begun to feel that we shouldn’t bash each other as parents if we choose to use this method or that method for raising our children. The important thing is that ALL people, children, and their parents, are happy in the end. Mothers need freedom to choose a method without feeling like they will be judged for it because honestly, for every method out there, there is an opponent. So to all you parents who feel guilty for doing it this way or that way. STOP! I know you love your children. I don’t judge you. About the only thing I think may be a mistake in child rearing is raising a child who doesn't know about his or her savior. But that's a whole other can of worms that we may have to open later ;)
You think cosleeping with your children until they are 2 is the right thing. Go for it. You think having them in their own room from the get go is the right thing….go for it! You need to be by their crib until they fall asleep, go for it! You think letting them cry it out is the only thing that will work and save your sanity….go for it. You think using cloth dipes is best, do it? You would rather use disposables, fine. You think breastfeeding is the best or formula, do it! You think potty training in panties is best, great! you think pullups are the way to go, give it a go! You think scheduling them is the best thing for them, do it! You think going with the flow works better for baby, go for it! No two children are alike, do what works for them and you. I respect that you only want what’s best for your child and you have the right to do what you feel is best as long as you are BOTH happy in the end. God intends for BOTH of you to be happy. If it works for baby, but not for you, find something that works for you both. You BOTH deserve to be happy and baby will be better for it. Oh, and just because I don’t do it your way and share the way I do it, please feel no judgment by me. It was what works for me and is based on my own experiences trial and error. My thoughts and opinions are (and can only be) based on my experiences with the children I have had under my care.
My love to all you hard working Mothers out there. It's not easy.