Easter 2012 Recap

Our trip to Garden was filled with eggs, egg hunts, family, and good food.  We arrived about 3 in the morning on Friday and spent all of Friday with the Bilberrys. The big even that day was when my MIL and I took the girls to meet up with my sister and her kids at the YMCA swimming pool.  We had a good time until suddenly the pool was overwhelmed with daycare kids.  It became difficult for K to practice swimming in all that chaos and I was being splashed in the face more than I cared to endure so we jetted shortly after.  That evening the Bilberrys provided us a great feast and we enjoyed our time just sitting and visiting with family.

The next day we spent with the Koehns.  All the kids got to dye and decorate Easter eggs. The adults joined in on this fun.  Shortly afterwards the kids got to hunt for eggs and open their presents from Grandma and Grandpa Koehn.  Later that evening we drove to El Zarape for our last meal at our favorite restaurant as a family.  I told Jeff that it may be time to start a Bilberry tradition of eating at El Zarape.  Hardly seems right to visit Garden without going to this place.  Yummy!

The next day, Easter, the girls got to hunt for eggs outside planted by the Easter bunny.  They then went back inside to discover the bunny left them baskets of goodies while they were out hunting.  Afterwars we went to church and then headed home.  It was a jam packed weekend of fun.  We are tired but glad we made some good memories.

Sorry the pics are a bit out of order, and as always we always forget to photo someone.  This time we forgot to photo Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Jason Bilberry.  Maybe Jeff has some photos on his phone.

Jeff's silly egg

Papa taking his afternoon siesta

I am an egg hunter expert!

Did you find an egg Derek?  "Yea!"  He's talking a little folks!

Bren likes her gift from Kama and Papa

Man that sun was bright!

All the grandkids and their Grandparents

Really enjoyed scribbling on eggs and only broke one!

My little sweety pie!

Never too old to hunt Miss Gracy!

Little miss helper Jessa.

Now that is a cute duo!

Everyone having Easter fun

Oh boy! How many did the bunny hide?

Bren got lots of compliments on her hairdo.

That Easter bunny is sneaky leaving stuff while we were hunting

I found an egg!

An abundant life

I read a verse today. I have read it before, but for some reason this time, it had new meaning to me.

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

As I pondered what it was saying, I realized that my interpretation of this verse has changed as I have become older.  I think the old me interpreted abundance from Christ as blessings, not intrinsic but more....extrinsic: a roof over our heads, a healthy happy family, food on our plates.  Basically I felt an abundant life meant blessings through provisions that everyone desires.  Sure, I believe most of what I have (if not all) comes from God above and that a lot of these things have led to a feeling of complete abundance.  However, today it means so much more than that, and I don't think Christ came so I can have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and a happy and healthy family.  Today I would sum the abundance this verse speaks of in one word, freedom.

So much abundance comes from freedom.  Because of Christ we are free from sin, from the guilt that accompanies that sin, free from worry, free from fear of being alone, sick, rejected, or poor.  We have to allow ourselves to accept this and for me it is a constant process; I really have to work at it.  But in a nutshell we are free from the world and all the filth that comes with it.  Sigh!  What a release!  What a power!  What an ABUNDANT LIFE!  Freedom brings sweet release and happiness comes in its stead.  Freedom, now that is the blessing I think God had in mind when it comes to offering us a more abundant life by sending his son.


I read a book awhile back, I forgot the title but if you are interested I will dig it out and let you know what it is called.  It is basically about a missionary in Russia.  He was tortured, beaten, starved, you name it.  He was asked to renounce Christ and never would; he suffered great cruelty for his faith.  One story that sticks in my mind was how he was left in a wooden box for days standing up.  The box had nails driven into the sides so that every time he made any movement he would be poked by the nails.  There were other stories of prisoners being hung upside down by their feet for very long periods of time.  However, he counted himself blessed and honored to suffer for the cause of Christ.  During some of the most torturous times he sunk into the loving arms of his creator and suddenly felt peace, comfort, and extreme happiness and was able to endure.  In Christ he found  FREEDOM from everything he was going through.  What's even more astounding is how he grew to completely love those who tortured him because he saw them as a wounded soul who needed Christ.   He saw them through Christ's eyes and had great compassion for them.  He knew they were lost sheep and could see the void and pain in their eyes.  It's unimaginable and unexplainable really.  Because of him, some of his torturers came to know Christ. WOW!


I bring up this book to emphasize that even in the most dire of all situations, freedom can be found in Christ and where freedom lies, so lies peace, happiness, and therefore the abundant life which this verse speaks of.  Only in Christ can that sort of abundance be found.  How blessed we are. 

In the past two years since we have lived in our home, some people we know well and care for have lost their jobs.  I have great compassion for them.  I try to mentally put myself in their shoes and it makes me realize how incredibly blessed I am.  If I'm not careful, I worry myself silly.  What if that happens to us?  What would we do?  Would we loose our home, our vehicles, our grocery money?  Why hasn't that happened to us?  We aren't more deserving than these people.  Why us?  Surely something bad will happen to us too eventually.  Silly Darci.  There I go rejecting that gift of freedom.  It doesn't really matter if any of that happens.  I am free from all of it if I just accept that I can trust God no matter what. I have to trust that he loves me and always has my best interest at heart and will be glorified through it all. That trust will give me the freedom from all the what ifs, and a life without what ifs is certainly more abundant don't you think?

Easter

We are leaving on Thursday after work to travel to Garden City for Easter.  This trip is significant because it will be the last time my family, (the Koehns) will ever be in Garden together.  I spent 19 years of my life in Garden.  My sister is the last to leave from our family and she will be moving to the KC area this summer.  Everything is falling into place for her nicely so we are certain it is the Lord's doing for her to make this move.

We plan on eating at our all time favorite Mexican food restaurant El Zarape.  Any time anything big happened in our family we would always celebrate at El Zarape.  My sister announced her first pregnancy over bean dip at El Zarape LOL.  My parents will be driving down on Friday.  My sister will house them.  We will stay with Jeff's family, but spend most of Saturday with my side of the family.  Easter eggs will be painted and hunted, swimming will be done at the YMCA, and cousins will play with cousins.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I'm a little worried about my Mom as she always seems to pick something up every time she comes back to Garden and ordinary illnesses are never an easy recovery for her.  Here is a copy of a recent email regarding her health:

CAT scan done yesterday.  Pulmulogist said that on a scale of 1-10 w/a rating of 10 being the worse for    Sarcoid in the lungs,... I am a 5 to a 7.  Dr said I could still be a lot worse w/Sarcoid.

LOTS of scarring in the lungs BUT it has been there since last CAT scan in 2009. No significant new scarring.  Pulmunlogist said lungs sound clear and ACE test results show a 7.  ACE is a blood test and is an indicator of Sarcoid and can be as high as 70, so being that low and havng Sarciod dx doesn't make sense but it is a good sign regardless. 

So needless to say, doctors are a little baffled why my mother is starting to cough again and may be doing a bronchostomy soon if the current meds to don't help.  There is suspicion that there is still a fungal infection on her lungs currently.

Jeff's parents will be the only remaining family left in Garden City.  We will still drive down and visit once a year, but we are hoping that some day they will move closer too.  There have been conversations, so who knows?  8 plus hours is such a long drive for our kiddos; they do well, but usually by the end they are READY to be done.  What will be nice is not having to split our time between the Koehns and Bilberrys every time we visit.  

Our trip will be made in our new van Lola.  Sorry, it was hard to get a good shot in the garage.  We LOVE her.  She passed the Toyota inspection with flying colors  She has 72,000 miles on her so she still has a lot of life in her.  She is a 2008 Sienna, my first Toyota.  Our last van was 1999.  Toyota claims their vehicles go forever if you keep up with regular maintenance; we're really hoping this is the case. We are committed this time to servicing her correctly.  In the past, we would keep up on oil changes, but everything else was just a fix as it broke kind of deal.  Yesterday we had a DVD player installed.  No more dead portable DVD batteries or hearing, "Mom, the DVD player is falling down!"  There are 7 cup holders in the front.  A nice change from our 2 in the old van that never held the cups well.  There are also a lot of other little nooks and crannies to store things and my favorite feature, fold down seats in the back.  When not folded down, the floor has a nice dip so my groceries no longer go flying around on the way home.  The cruise control works, the ac works, and the front windows and back windows work.  The kids love that their windows actually roll down. Overall, it is a significant upgrade and I love driving this vehicle around!

Since this trip is centered around Easter I wanted to remind the girls what Easter was really about so we had conversation about it one night before bed.  When I told them it was the day Jesus rose from the dead, Kadyn responded, "Wow!"  Why can't we all have that same reaction to it year after year?  I think we could learn a thing or too from the wonderment and awe of a child.  The next morning Brennan was trying to tell one of my friends about it and she said, "Jesus was roasted on the cross."  I think she was trying to say Jesus rose from the cross.  Silly girl.

Well anyhoo....looking forward to fun filled holiday trip.  Until we return.  Toodles!

Goodbye Vanna, it's been good...kinda

The kids call her Vanna.  Too bad she wasn't white, or that name really would have been perfect.  Anyhoo....they love her.  She beeps at them when they are in her getting buckled up and they talk right back to her (they still seem clueless that I am making her beep with my keys).  So, when we told her she was no longer going to be part of our family very soon, they were bummed.  That was until we started thinking up new names for a replacement. We hope to find our "Lola" soon. 

It's been good with Vanna, kinda.  Why kinda?  She did fit our needs for 4.5 years.  We only had to do minimal repairs on her.  But also for the last 4.5 years there have been minor annoyances which include:

-locks that stick
-ABS light that won't go off even though we've had it checked and replaced
-back air that goes on and off as it pleases
-air conditioner that needs recharged every year and no one can find a leak in
-service engine soon light that goes on and off
-back air controls don't work
-driver's side window motor burned out
-occasionally acts like it's going to die when you start it
-occasionally won't start
-ignition gets stuck and key won't turn


Now to add to that list we've been informed that:
-head gasket is probably blown
-engine coolant has muddy water with metal in it for some unknown reason
-air compressor is blown

Hmmmm....time for a new van?  Yep.  It has 128,000 miles on it.  We've only put 37,000 on it since we've had it.  We thought it would at least take us to 150,000.  We were wrong.  Knowing this makes the idea of buying used again scary.  This time we want to go with a much more reliable brand.  Toyota or Honda.  After researching I discovered Honda has been having issues with transmission in their vans for many years.  It has resulted in a class action lawsuit against Honda.  That didn't exactly give me warm fuzzies, so it made the decision for me.  Toyota it is.

Now I'm trying to decide between slightly newer, lower mileage, less features with slightly higher payments, insurance and taxes OR slightly older, slightly higher mileage, more features with lower payments, insurance or taxes.  I'm leaning towards the later.  Jeff's vehicle is ready to be replaced too.  It has 178,000 miles on it.  We are living on borrowed time with that vehicle as well and he drives it more.  If I knew I could get another 100,000 miles out of a vehicle that already has 100,000 miles on it, I would definitely go for the slightly older version.  This would give us more flexibility to deal with Jeff's car soon.  Seems like the smarter purchase at the moment.  Hard to know.  We shall see. 

Kadyn minus first tooth

She finally pulled it!  It took about a week.  We were all set to leave her a dollar that night from the tooth fairy, but when I went in and grabbed the little baggy with the tooth inside, there was also a silly band and note that read:


Dear Tooth Fairy,


Please leave me two bucks.  
I love you.  
This is my first tooth.  
Love, Kadyn


I left a note that read:


Dearest Kadyn,

I am so proud that you pulled your tooth out without crying.  You are growing into such a lovely young lady.  Until the next tooth falls out, keep smiling.  
Love, The Tooth Fairy

I also sprinkled a little fairy dust (aka glitter) in the bag.  The next morning she woke and asked me if I planted the bag there and wrote the note.  I tried to disguise my handwriting.  I didn't lie.  I just withheld the truth by asking, "Why do you think that?  Look at the handwriting! Does that look like mine?"  Then she asked if there was glitter in it.  Again I uh...ahem...withheld the truth, "Don't fairies have fairy dust?  Maybe it looks the same."  That was all it took.  She was convinced.  She took the bag to school and showed everyone and even argued with some girl that told her the Tooth Fairy isn't real.  She has read the Tooth Fairy letter to anyone who will listen since. 

I admit, I felt a little guilty that I didn't come clean, but it has been pretty sweet seeing her all excited and getting to share that same experience I had as a kid.  Surely no harm done, right?  BTW I informed her that the tooth fairy typically only leaves a dollar, but probably decided to be nice since is was her first tooth ;)

Working on me

For the past year I feel like I have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sad, angry, happy, joyful, worried, uncertainty, confusion, contentment, discontentment, at peace, and thankful.  At first, I thought it was just the woman in me on overdrive, but then I realized it was just....human.  My emotions seem to have become especially intense since becoming a mother.  I think this is because I place so much more value on myself a as person and the role model I am to my children.  Every decision I make, each word I say, every action I take, not only reflects who I am to them, but also reflects who I am or am not in Christ.  I think I place way more guilt on myself when I mess up and find it more difficult to forgive myself and accept the grace God offers me because of my children and my undying desire to do right by them.

Although I have always known the power a parent has on a child's life, the real impact of our position as their parents becomes more and more evident as I go through daily life with them.  Yesterday as I was putting on makeup Brennan was standing right beside me watching my every move.  When I'd circle my brush in the powder, she'd put her tiny finger on my makeup desk and pretend to circle a brush and then put it on her face too.  Another evening I saw her examining her back side, nude, in the mirror before bath time.  When I asked her what she was doing she replied, "Looking at my booty."  Why in the world would 3 year old need to examine her booty?  Because she sees her mother do it all the time.  Last night Brennan had a rough night and when we were talking through it I told her that God puts a special lock on a mothers heart so that it is impossible for us to stop loving our children no matter how naughty they are.  This morning Brennan started telling me all about the lock on her heart from God towards her dolly.

I described a project I was assigned to do in grade school that involved the creation of a bookmark for a contest.  I described in detail the bookmark I made and how I won the contest.  Two seconds later Kadyn was telling me about a bookmark she would create if she were assigned that same contest.  Guess what?  She described the same bookmark I had just described making.  Yep!  There's no doubt about it.  Our children look up to us during these formidable years and we have such a huge responsibility to do right by them.  Who they will become is in large part a product of the way we conduct our own lives and the example we set forth for them.

Knowing my past year has been a flood of emotions that at times I have felt powerless to control, I sought out comfort.  Here's what I found and my commitment to myself to gain back the peace I have longed for this past year in my life.

When I am scared:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

When I am overwhelmed: 

"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10)


When I need reassured:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

When I need guidance:

"Lead me O Lord in your Righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before my face." (Psalms 5:8)

And when I want to do right by my children I will pray this for them:

"May they be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that they may walk worth of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." ( Colosians 1:9-10)

Today read this.

I found great encouragement in it and I felt really spoke truth.  One of the best things I took from reading it was that often times we get too caught up in what our future holds and it isn't until we look back on things that we see God's handy work.  I always knew this, but then the author went on to say that knowing what the future holds leaves little room for faith.  We are to focus on the present.  In his words, "How is our relationship with God?  As circumstances change, for better or for worse, will I respond with obedience and trust? The focus must be on the moment before me, the present.  How is my relationship with God?"

Such truth in that!  I am inspired.  I no longer want to be enslaved to worry, doubt, fear, and all the emotions above. I want freedom and peace.  I want trust and joy.  So today I am committed to stop all the Mama Drama and worry that accompanies not knowing what the future holds for my life.  For now, it seems I am to stay home another year with my baby girl and keep this daycare running.  Since this is the path that is laid before me, I trust God will provide the serenity I need to keep moving forward.  I will still continue to take the steps to get my certificate up and running and continue to apply for jobs as they open and I may even take the music praxis exam as a resume builder.  But...beyond that I'm taking it one day at a time.  No more worry about never getting my career back.  No more worry about working a job I don't love someday.  No more worry about making it through another year of daycare.  I want to make my focus on working to be the best I can be at home as mother, daycare provider, wife, sister, daughter, and daughter of Christ.  Surely, that is where the real peace I long for will be found.  Please hold me accountable to this sisters as you all know, it is easy to loose sight of this and....thanks for reading ;)

What to make of it

Two of the jobs I applied for have closed.  Never got a call.  REALLY hoping it is because my certification is not up and running. I have several outstanding recommendations and plenty of other people that have offered to vouch for me.  I have a bachelors and masters with outstanding transcripts.  I have 5 years experience teaching.  Can't be because of those.  Understandable.  I did send in an application to Branson after being told by our parent educator (parents as teachers program) that there was an opening.  That being said, opening has not been posted to their website, so I'm not sure it is really even valid. 

I can't say I'm completely crushed.  I want to believe that this isn't happening because the timing is just wrong and God has something in store for me when the time is right.  Perhaps when Bren is another year older, perhaps when she is ready for Kindergarten.  If only I knew.  I have to admit, I am a bit nervous.  What if my competition is really stiff?  I've been told that applicants for a regular education position in the Branson elementary schools can number as high as 250.  Wonder what that number is for music positions?  Makes me certain that getting certified in regular education is worthless.  Too many other candidates with that certification and experience in that area to back it up.  I don't have the luxury of moving to get the job this time.

I only have 1/2 a year teaching experience in vocal music.  The rest of my experience lies in teaching orchestra.  This is not offered anywhere close.  What if that 1/2 isn't enough to land me the right job at the right time?  I can't imagine a life with a "normal" job.  When I say normal I mean a job that I am not passionate about. It makes me scared of my future.  I need to quit worrying about it, accept the life God seems to be laying out for me for this next year which is another year of daycare and at home with my last baby.  I know I can't regret spending more time with her and it's another year I don't have to deal with the guilt of putting her in daycare.  For that I am grateful.  Sure wish God could just see me face to face and say, "Darci, it's not the right time.  Relax.  I've got you covered.  You're right where I want you. I have something up my sleeve for you, when it's the right time."  That sure would make me feel a lot better.  I hate not knowing.

Sigh!