Downer day

I woke up with butterflies in my stomach.  A nervous excitement.  Today was supposed to be the day to check something off my too do list.  An achievement that I had been working very hard for.  Something I had never been able to say that I have done.  Registration had been filled out and dues paid.  I was ready to go.  As I got myself into my running clothing I looked at my figure in the mirror happy with what I saw.  Running had done my body good and I knew it.  It had been an entire week since my last run.  Partly because it was getting cold and I was having trouble motivating myself to run in the cold.  Partly because it rained and partly because Bren got sick.  BUT....I figured that I would still be OK.  In fact, I was hoping the week off would make my knee problem much better and therefore my race much more comfortable.

This day was helping me feel the spirit of running again.  I thought to myself that maybe I could muster the motivation to keep going once the race was over.  Yes, this race was just what I needed to get my mojo back.

I showed up at 9:10.  The race was supposed to begin at 9:30, or so I thought.  As I walked in I heard the lady with a paper who looked official say to someone else, "The 5K is at 9:30."  I thought to myself 'Awesome, I have plenty of time to warm up and wait for my friend.'   I walked over the the lady and told her I was there for the 5K.  Her eyes got big and she said that it had already started and was almost done.  'What?????"  Apparently the award ceremony for the 5K started at 9:30 and the race had begun at 8:30.  I read the registration form wrong. I saw the 9:30 by the 5K and assumed that's when it started.  I should have looked more closely.

Suddenly a wave of panic struck me.  What if my friend had gotten there and waited on me and then gave up and went home.  What if she was out there running all alone.  This was all my idea.  She wouldn't even be in the race if it hadn't been for me.  Then I started thinking how I had pushed myself so hard to do this and now I couldn't have my final hurrah.  What if I never get enough motivation to get out there and run again?  I'll never be able to do this again.  I thought of how many people had said they admired me for doing this and how proud of me they were.  I felt like I was letting them down.  It all seemed worthless.

The lady told me to go to the starting line, and ask if I could still run anyways.  She thought it would probably be OK.  I thought to myself that it really seemed silly to do that.  If I wasn't running with other people in a race, it really wouldn't feel like a race anymore but just another typical run.    I went to the starting line, the man wouldn't let me go.  He said it was almost finished.  So I knew, it was time to admit defeat and just leave.  I called my friend to see if I could figure out if she ran or not.  Turned out she never even came.  Her family had visited and just left town. Her two girls were sick. She was so caught up in it all she just couldn't come.  Shew!  At least I didn't let her down.  She said she definitely wants to run the next one with me.

The next race?  Honestly, I'm fearful that I can hold out long enough with motivation to be ready for the next race.  I felt like this was my one chance to do this when I knew I was ready.  Well anyways.  I called my mom on the way home in tears to tell her that it didn't happen.  I told myself I would start running at the Rec on weekends just to keep some sort of physical stamina up until the weather gets better again.  They have an indoor track.  I am making NO promises that I will be able to keep this up until the next race.  When I don't feel like exercising it is VERY hard for me to just do it anyways.  We shall see.

So sorry, no pictures to share.  No victory speeches.  Just a memory of a downer day.  The race that never happened.

Cracking us up

Bren lit up yesterday when I gave her the brilliant idea of changing her Elmo who she claimed was making "poos."  Next thing I know she's giving him a bath, he's pooing in the tub (gee wonder where she got that idea), and running off to walmart to get more diapers since he was going through so many and all.  This girl cracks me up.  She was nonstop doing this for like 45 minutes until we couldn't take it anymore. The best part of it all is that she said her first three word sentence ever, "Ah gah ut!" (aka I got it ).  Hope you get a good laugh out of this.  We sure did.


Bren changes Elmo from Darci Bilberry on Vimeo.

The next video is short.  Just Dad teaching his favorite phrases to his almost two year old.  He did this with Kadyn too at the same age.  Just sounds funny coming out of someone so small.

Rock On, Peace Out from Darci Bilberry on Vimeo.

I'm just saying

I hope I don't offend anyone by this post, but I had to get this out there.  I am not a fan of parties where a person is trying to sell something.  Pampered chef, Mary Kay, jewlelry, candles, whatever the product.  I seem to get invited to a lot of these.  Because the people inviting me are friends, I feel badly saying no.  I don't want it to reflect badly on a newly found friendship.   I don't want to lie and make up some excuse as to why I can't go.  I want to be supportive.  I know that often times these little business endeavors are their way of helping their spouse provide for their family, especially if they are a stay at home mother. I can respect that. 

But.........in the same way that I feel guilty if I don't go, I also feel guilty when I do go. I always walk in knowing we have no wiggle room in our budget for many, if any, extras.  The products these women are selling, however nice, are just things we don't need and can't afford at the moment (I wouldn't have it any other way because it means I am able to stay at home with my babies)  To me, these things are extras.  As much as I like them, and often times I do, I just can't let myself spend the money we don't have on something I don't need.  The women always say they don't want me to feel pressured to have to buy anything.  But there I sit having eaten their nice little cupcakes, and drank their nice little drinks, and then I leave having not spent a dime.  It really defeats the entire purpose of me coming.  It makes me feel awful.  It's a no win situation. I feel guilty when I don't go.  I feel guilty when I do.

So anyways, all this is to say that someday....just maybe.....I will be able to go one of these parties and really be able to enjoy myself. I will be able to look through their nice little catalogs and spend a little money to show my support and pamper myself.  Until then, I wish I would stop getting these invites.

Count down

My race is on Saturday.  I should be excited.  I do have a little nervous energy when I think of it.  BUT....I haven't ran now for 3 days.  I knew this point would come.  I keep thinking of Forrest Gump.  Surely you remember the part where he just started running because he felt like it and then suddenly after miles and miles and miles just stopped.  Didn't he say something like, "I'm done now."  Well... I totally get that.  I feel like saying the same thing; all those emotions I was running out of my body are quiet and peaceful again.  I really need to get out there at least once, if not twice before this race.  It's going to be hard to convince myself to do so.  I never made any promises that this would last. I hoped it would.  I wanted to make it a lifestyle change for good.  I didn't want to loose everything I had worked so hard to achieve. 

Part of the problem is that I'm cold.  All the time, cold.  Since the temps have started dropping we have had to turn the heater on.  I found last year that I can tolerate the house at 68 only if I wear a bazillion layers, even then when I'm not moving around I'm cold.  I'd love to leave it at 70 (weird that only 2 degrees makes that much a difference to me) which seems perfect to me, but we don't like how high our bills can be when we turn it up.  Anyhow, when I walk around cold all day, it's not exactly exciting to get out in the colder weather.  I realize my body temp rises as I start exercising, but still hard to convince myself to freeze my butt off for the first 5 min. of the run.

Secondly, my knees are giving me problems.  I actually went to the chiropracter and had him adjust them.  He said they were out of alignment.  I haven't run on them since.  I really ought to as perhaps my problem is gone.  However, I have a sneaking suspicion all is the same because I still feel some pain when I go down the stairs.  I think my body just needs time off to heal and recover.  Running is high impact on my legs and they are making sure I know that. 

Thirdly, since I've started running, a lot of things have had to go out the window.  I'm not able to put the girls down every night.  I don't get as much down time in front of the tube with my favorite shows to just veg out and relax, and it cuts into my time with Jeff.  I haven't even touched my sewing machine and Christmas is just around the corner. I need to get on top of that.

I guess all this is to say, that I don't want to give running up.  I think at this point, what I need is to get through this week, get done with this race, and give myself a short break to rest my body.  I need to recharge my batteries and then probably hit it again, but perhaps reduce my mileage and expectations so I don't get burnt out.  I do not want to go back to the point where I can't even run a mile, but I do not feel it I should expect myself to run 5 miles every time I get out there.

I'll try to post pics of the race.  Hopefully I make it. I've never ran in the morning, or without music, or with a friend.  All three things will be a first for me at my race.  I have run in the middle of the day and hate it.  Always seems harder to me.  Hopefully morning isn't even harder.  We shall see.  Wish me luck!

Go team go!

Kadyn has been a bit jealous that little sissy has a chief's cheerleader outfit to wear every Sunday when the Dada watches a game.  It makes no difference to her that the outfit was originally bought for Kadyn when she was Bren's age; she's jealous!  Dada is MORE than willing to dress his little girls up in the clothing from his favorite teams.  So he found a awesome deal on ebay for Kadyn to support his other favorite team, the wildcats.  She's happy now.  My girly girl!

Piggies

Bren's hair has been wild ever since it started growing.  It is so baby fine and thin.  I brush it, but it always looks nappy and sticks up.  Yesterday I decided, on a whim, to see if I could get it into piggies.  Bren, was a loyal subject until she realized that putting it in piggies might mean a little hair pulling to get the twisty in.  I had to wrestle her a little, but the end product was soooo worth it.  Soooo cute!  With them in her hair actually looks put together instead of like she just rolled out of bed.  If only she'd sit still for me to do this everyday.  Oh well!

Been a year

I knew our one year anniversary in our house was coming up soon, but I didn't realize it had already come and gone a couple days ago until Jeff said something.  This year has flown in our new home.  We have been in Branson now for almost a year and a half, but it seemed like life never really began until we had our home.

For the first time I finally feel like I am where I am meant to be.  This is the third home we have owned.  In all the other homes I always new that we were going to move.  I was always on a mission to make sure the house looked organized and clutter free because I knew that we would sell someday, and I figured if I was used to living that way it wouldn't be a big deal when I was expected to do so for showings.  It was exhausting.  It's interesting how my perspective has changed since we have lived in this home.  I still hate clutter, but part of me has relaxed about some things.  Once upon a time the only thing that sat on my kitchen counters were my knives and stovetop spoons.  Everything else had a hiding space in a cabinet somewhere and I would get it out when I needed it and put it away as soon as I was done.  Now I have my can opener, coffee maker, knives, spoons, food processor, flour and sugar out on my counters for whenever I need them.  I'm so sick of hauling that stuff out and putting it away all the time.  It's nice to have it all handy whenever I need it (which is often).  One of the best things about our home is that everything is new and doesn't need to be fixed or redone.  Granted we have had our fair share of things that we've had to call the home warranty about, but none of it was a deal breaker and the warranty people had to fix them.

Our neighborhood is probably the best we've ever had.  We have become great friends with several of our neighbors.  I take the kids to our driveway to play often and it is not uncommon for one of them to pull up a lawn chair and chat for awhile while the kiddos play.  We all look out for each other.  I know when we go out of town, I can trust one of them to take care of my plants, fish, or get our mail.  Some of them are happy to watch the girls when we need a night out.  We have even started what we hope will be an annual culdesac BBQ.  Although we made connections to some of our neighbors in our other towns, it has never been quite like this.  Neighbors can really make your house feel more like home.  We had the best halloween we've ever had and we didn't have to go anywhere to create this fun experience except right outside our front door thanks to our awesome neighbors.

The area we live in is so BEAUTIFUL!  There are a ton of things to do. Living in a vacation hot spot is a lot like being on a vacation nonstop.  I don't feel that badly that we rarely get to go on vacation because we are still in the mode of exploring the community we live in and doing vacation like things.  The kids have just as much fun, there is no travel involved, and at the end of the day we get to go back to our own beds in the comfort of our own home.  I suppose I even appreciate Springfield more than I used to since living in Branson.  Why?  If Branson doesn't have it, we know Springfield will.  We still continue to use Springfield libraries, parks, thrift stores, and Aldi in Springfield.  We get to make a day trip out of it, so it almost feels like another little vacation.  In addition to Springfield, there are other national parks, lakes, and area attractions that are only a short drive away for a fun little day trip.

I have heard nothing but good things about the schools our girls will be attending. This is a first for an area that we have lived in.  It sure brings this Mama's heart comfort when I think about waving goodbye as I watch my firstborn be carried off by a yellow school bus in less than a year.  What a hard moment that will be for me.  It helps to know that the school she will be attending has gotten rave reviews.

So as I reflect on this past year in our house, I can honestly say at last I am home.  I belong.  It feels good.  I am blessed.  Thank you Jesus for bringing me home, at last!