The Bilberry Clan Can

K's first chapter book

2012-01-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

Have you read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo? If you haven't you must! It is an easy, quick read. I read it cover to cover in one day. It is very addicting. The gentlemen who wrote the book lives in Nebraska, but talks of some of his childhood experiences in Ulysses, KS. Makes it fun to read a true story when someone speaks of a place close to your old home town.

Anyhoo....K started asking about our "heavenly bodies." I have often wondered about those bodies too. When I read this book, I realized this is one person's take on it and none of us will know for sure until we die and go to heaven. However, I want to believe this is how it will be when we go to heaven. It all sounded pretty convincing to me. It sounded glorious! I thought it would be fun to read to K and maybe help her understand a bit about heaven with the pretense that we won't know for sure until we get there. She loves it and asks me to keep going each time I finish a chapter. She's a bit addicted.

K is now filling out reading logs for a contest at her school. Books I read to her count. Chapters each count as one book. This is a pretty easy task for us because reading is a regular part of our routine during the week days. One evening I got caught up on the phone in the middle of reading a book. K got tired of waiting for me, so she decided to start reading it herself. She suprised herself with how much she could read. Up to this point, the only things she has read have been assigned to her by her teacher. I don't think she realized how much she could read on her own from other texts. Next thing I knew, she was picking up this book and that book and reading away. She was so excited when I got off the phone she said, "Mom, when I get bored you should tell me to read, read, read, read. I just want to read a whole bunch!" My heart was warm. Hoping the reading logs will start to reflect more of her reading instead of my reading to her as time goes on.

I have ordered her own chapter book that is more geared for beginning readers. It is called A Little Bit of Faith by Cindy Kennedy. It is about a little girl who is new to town and her only friend is her guardian angel, Faith. It is a journey about her experiences trying to make new friends and convince them that Faith is real. I just thought is sounded adorable and right up Kadyn's alley since she is fascinated with guardian angels. I have told her she will begin by reading the first pages of chapters to me and I will finish the chapter for her. When she begins to get more fluid reading the first page of each chapter, I will turn her loose with the book and buy her a little reading light so she can take it to bed and read herself to sleep. She is stoked about being able to do that. I'm so glad she's excited about reading.

Late sticks

2012-01-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

My girls go through waves where they just won't stay in their beds. They want to get up and get a drink (even though they know I have a no drinks before bed rule). They need to go pee again (even though they just went). They're too hot, too cold, supposedly not feeling well. You name it. They play the game well. It never works for them, but they persist. Then there are times they just won't quiet down and end up falling asleep an hour past their bed time. My patience wanes after the second or third time of putting them back in their beds. Last night I had barely shut the door and 5 seconds later Bren was out of her bed. It seems especially bad when Jeff isn't home. I'm not sure why. I put them down most nights with or without him here and I am more of the disciplinarian parent.

Anyhoo....I saw this idea in a family fun magazine months ago and that little voice is telling me I need to give this a try. Basically you put their names and minutes on a popsicle stick. Every time they get out of bed they loose a stick. On Saturday they get to cash in whatever sticks remain. The time from each stick is added up and that is the amount of time they get to stay up late that night. THEY LOVE STAYING UP LATE! I am only willing to let them stay up half an hour past bedtime, so they are allowed 3 sticks for the week. I really think for Kadyn this is going to work well. I'm not so sure for Brennan. She doesn't understand the concept of time very well. I have a feeling if she uses some sticks there may be tears when it comes time to cash them in on Saturday. We shall see.

Hope it works!

4 year goals

2012-01-24T07:24:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new year, everyone is putting their resolutions up on their blogs. I just didn't feel the need. I recieved the new issue of BHG magazine today and in it was a challenge to write down what I hope to accomplish over the next 4 years. Now this challenge intrigued me and felt exciting because I know things are really going to change in 4 years. So I'm going to give it a try.

1. Finish potty training my last child
2. Have said child cloth herself, bath herself, and brush her own teeth.
3. Finish requirements for teaching certificate renewal, renew certificate, then transfer to state of MO
4. Begin applying for teaching jobs as Bren nears school age
5. Replace one vehicle
6. Take another trip with my husband
7. Visit my sister more often (she is moving 4 hours closer this year! WOOOOHOOOOO!)
8. Teach both girls how to swim
9. More family vacations
10. Be able to afford trips to visit my parents in CO
11. Begin saving to finish basement
12. Make our back yard into to more useable space
13. Update my wardrobe
14. Make some friends
15. Do a road trip, just me and the girls
16. Get more involved in church and place membership
17. Go hiking more
18. Replace my very old washing machine and dryer
19. Make our kitchen space more useable by adding a pantry and bar with storage underneath.
20. Continue to teach the girls responsibility and pitching in around the house

OK so some of these may be a tad ambitious and may fit into my 10 year plan instead, but a lot changes in four years. Thought I'd shoot for the moon a bit. Who knows?

Balance

2012-01-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

Balance....it is sometimes impossible with a life full of children. Personally, I feel unbalanced most days with the bulk of my time going to the children. There are so many pulls on me, my home, my children, my daycare, my husband, my family, and my own personal needs. I know you all know how difficult it is to balance these, and I am no exception to this problem. This morning has been awesome! I have been able to get everything done and tend to all the children and their needs at the same times. I kept wondering why today feels so much different than most days and it occured to me, it is balanced.

Some times I feel overwhelmed when there is no balance. I will have days where one child demands most of my time. I will have days where I feel like all I do is break up squabbles, pull children out of things they aren't supposed to be in, cleaning up mess after mess after mess, dealing with Bren's insistence that her hands are STILL sticky, dealing with puke, diarrhea, runny noses, etc. It often leaves little time for me to get things done around the house, and a messy house sometimes makes me feel out of control. It leaves little to no time for me to do things I enjoy, and a mother who can not tend to her own needs feels out of control. It leads me to loose my patience and encourages anger when I don't get things my way. I feel selfish, guilty, alone, and desparate for affirmation that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

My mother comes in handy allowing me to vent on a daily basis sometimes when I'm having just one of those weeks. However, I can't always use her as a dumping ground for my emotions. At some point I have to find balance. So how did I achieve this today (granted the day is only half finished, but we are off to a great start)? Today I told myself to prioritize and listen to that little voice in my head. Put away my desires to do things I enjoy and get done what needs to be done. Choose to show compassion and patience when so and so hit so and so for the billionth time. Give those behaviors as much time as it takes to teach correct behavior. The rest can come later.

The baby took a marvelous nap (made changes to the room darkness and added a space heater to her room, seems to be working). That makes HUGE difference in my day. Unhappy baby equals unhappy caretaker and irritable children. Happy baby means happy care taker and happy kids. How did I know to add a space heater and darken the room? A little voice told me too. I didn't believe anything would make a difference with this child. Turns out that little voice was right.

I was able to squeak in some time to get started on my college class during the children's play time. Huge plus!!! Then in the midst of it all I realized I hadn't done my devotions. If I could rewind I would've put that first on my list, BUT I can say that I wasn't being entirely disobedient. I wanted to leave a sink of dishes this morning, but a little voice said I needed to get it done while I had a chance and everyone was happy. Now fixing lunch in a clean kitchen has become much easier. I know it sounds weird, but that little voice telling me what to do is constantly with me, and when I listen to it my day goes much better. It reminds me to keep my cool when I am what seems like an impossible situation and it seems impossible to listen, but if I do, things go better. Maybe it's just my own conscience. Maybe it's God guiding me through my day. I'd like to think so. All I know is when I listen to that voice, my day goes much better and I find balance.

I guess all of this is to say that not all days are going to be balanced. Some days I'm just doomed to fail miserably. But I believe God wants us to find balance, and I think if we're really quiet and listen to that little voice that guides us through our day, we can come pretty close to finding that balance. How can a voice that tells me to clean a kitchen possibly be God? After all is cleaning a kitchen not exactly biblical. Nope. But serving my family and others is, cleaning that kitchen is part of my service to others. Playing around on the computer before I clean the kitchen isn't. I do believe that little voice is God. It's hard to argue otherwise when I consistently have a better day by simply quieting my thoughts, listening, and obeying.

Nip it in the bud EARLY!

2012-01-20T09:15:00.000-08:00

I work with a child that has a chronic lying problem. I have called this to this child's parents attention, but they aren't concerned. It saddens me a lot and makes my job twice as hard as I am getting no back up in teaching this child the dangers of lying. Kadyn went through a similar phase and I felt a little helpless. You want to believe that one little chat and the child will miraculously see the light and discontinue the behavior. However, it's not really that easy.

The reality is that children will experiment with lying about this or that. Sometimes they will get away with it and therefore, this leads to increased incidences of lying. It is hard for a young child to forsee the consequences of their actions if they do get caught. It really is developmental. This is why so many teenagers sometimes make reckless and dangerous decisions. I learned about brain development when I was doing my Masters.

So what is a parent to do when a child gets into this pattern of behavior? For me, the best approach has been a spiritual one. It involves lengthy conversations about temptation and Satan and about the freedom to choose. It requires that you talk about God's expecations. It requires that you tell about real life scenarios where lying can have dire consequences. And most of all, the importance of trust and how that can make or break someone's life must be stressed. This is what I did with Kadyn and slowly she worked out of that phase and most of the time I trust what she says to be true and most of the time it is. This is not to say that she doesn't try the occasional white lie a time or two.

One of the tricks I use to drive home the importance of being able to trust a child is when they are playing a little game of he said, she said. If I know what really happened, I play dumb. I continue to ask the child who typically lies but I know is telling the truth, "How do I know you are telling the truth? You have lied to me before, I'm not sure I can trust what you're are saying is true." They get very frustrated because they are actually telling the truth. I let that frustration set in for awhile and then we resolve the situation the way it ought to be resolved and talk about how they felt when I didn't trust them and they were actually telling the truth. It really is a teachable moment. If you get any of these grab em'.

Another thing that kids often get confused about, especially when they know how Satan tempts us, they will often feel like they are being forced to make wrong choices because of him. It is important to teach them that they always have a choice between good and evil. Satan is allowed to tempt us, but he can not force our hand to do anything that is against God's will for us. When we sin, we choose that. Don't let kids pawn bad choices on to Satan. Both K and this little child I work with have tried to do this.

Lying, in my opinion is VERY SERIOUS. It is not funny or cute!!! Teaching integrity to our children is one of the best gifts you can give your child. I urge parents to not overlook lying at such a young age. Take it seriously and nip it in the bud early or you may really regret it later when it really counts!

Already?

2012-01-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

Kadyn came home today and sounded like she skipped from 5-13. She says, "Michael said that Dillon has a crush on me, but Dillon says he doesn't." I was speechless. Why are kindergarteners getting crushes. Don't they have more important things to do like say....play on the merry go round or swing on the swings. Am I really going to have to have a chat about when the appropriate age to have boyfriends is? Oh my, I am not ready for this.

After mulling that awhile I get into Kadyn's book bag and find this library book with a huge picture of Zac Efron on it. What?????? I asked her if she liked the boy on the cover. She said, "No I just like that movie High School Musical so I checked it out." Oh dear what did I start here? I have to take the blame here. I watched that movie with the girls a couple months ago. I admit, I sometimes like the teeny bopper shows. It seemed like a good clean movie.

What in the world do I have in store as a parent of a school aged child. I knew the birds and bees speech would come earlier than it did when I was a kid. I was a teacher, I heard the conversations going around in the junior high. Innocence is gone. I know homeschool advocates would be all over this saying this is good reason to keep my K at home. Ya know though, I do hold to the verse that says:

"I do not pray that you should take them out of the world, but you should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world."

I'm not opposed to homeschooling, and I may have considered it if Jeff wanted to hop on board, but he was opposed. So this verse brings me comfort that it's OK to let my child go to public school. This will mean her exposure will be greatened to things of this world. However, it's my job to walk her through it and show her God's ways so she is armed with the truth and knowledge to make the right decisions. Beyond that, I pray. Pray that she heeds Christ's call to remain pure and be obedient to her parents.

So anyways, we will be having a chat about boys tonight and such. As I end this I was just informed, the said boy is also a 1st grader. Sigh! Lord be with me.

Mannerisms

2012-01-17T10:13:00.000-08:00

Mannerisms....everyone has them. Bren has some that I just find adorable. Her newest one is the bobble head. When she's deep in thought and trying to explain something she holds her hand out to her side and bobs her head back and forth. It really reminds me of those bobble head figures.

This is one of my favorites too, nodding yes when she really, really likes something:

She also has become quite fond of certain sayings. She likes to say "________in the whole wide world." And she is really fond of the word "everything." She always finds a way to fit it in somehow. Funny girl!

And in family news our family has resurrected that old high school game called "chicken butt." Do you remember it? Someone asks, "Ya know what?" You respond, "What?" They respond, "Chicken butt!" Now I realize not everyone would find humor in this, so K has been warned that it is only to be played at home, but let me tell you, it has really grown into a competition at our house, even Bren is getting in on the action; we're always trying to scam up different ways to tricking each other into falling for it. We've added new rules and Jeff also introduced:

"You know why? Big cow pie"
"You know how? Big fat cow"
"You know when? Big fat hen"

If you have never heard of this before, you'll just have to trust me. It can be pretty funny after you get past the crudeness of it all.

Puppet show

2012-01-16T07:52:00.000-08:00

As I have said before, my K is a crafty gal. Ever since she got her huge box of arts and crafts supplies, she is always creating something. One day she made paper puppets and then she started eyeballing a large box that was used to ship part of my makeup desk. She asked her Dad if she could have it and he cut it up for her and then she made it into a puppet stage. We were all treated to a very long puppet show shortly afterwards. She had made a puppet to look like each one of us in the family. It was sweet. I enjoy seeing the creative juices flowing in my girl.

Training Camp

2012-01-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

For Christmas Jeff got us Wii training camp and one other fitness trainer. I didn't ask for it, I have not been in the mood to break a sweat after caring for the house and the kids all day. I'll get there, eventually. Anyhoo...he finally broke into it the other day and the girls were more than excited to hop in there and try it with him. I can still see him trying to do that football warm up where you spread your legs and try to run as fast as you can. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. He made me swear not to post the video. Man, do I wish I could. I guess you'll have to settle for pictures. Anyhoo...Kadyn has used it several times since. Glad someone is enjoying it. I suppose when the weather is cold out, it's a great way to get some energy out of the kids. I enjoy watching Kadyn attempt to do the exercises and then yell at the lady on the TV screen because she doesn't want to do a particular move. Later the game trainer tells Kadyn, "You're not giving maximum effort." It's a riot. Also, watching Kadyn do push ups in crawling position is quite comical too. Anyhoo...if anything, I'm getting some thorough entertainment out of it all.

Rough week

2012-01-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Last week was our last full week back and it was rough. Monday I think I caught the stomach bug. I almost puked several times, but managed to keep it in. I spent most of the day laying on the couch just trying to keep it together and only getting up to change diapers and cook. I was lucky that Kadyn was still home. She helped entertain the toddler I watch because she wanted too. The other two daycare kids were still on break. I felt much better the next day.

My toddler, who is normally an outstanding napper, refused to nap...all...week. I spent most, if not all of my little break fighting him to go down. By Friday he learned how to crawl out of his crib and I ended the day, frustrated, angry, and clueless on what to do. Over the break his mother weaned him off of his binky. She claims he did very well and napped marvelously. Happy for them, but for whatever reason, he will no longer nap at my house. To add to the stress, when he finally did fall asleep, if the baby cried, it would awake him after maybe 30-45 minutes and then we were back to square one. Also, the baby is highly sensitive to other people's emotions, so hearing him cry made her cry and back and forth it would go. Today we try to get him down in a sleeping bag as putting him the crib is futile and dangerous if he is going to crawl out. Mama brought some loveys from home, we're hoping that does the trick. I'm already stressed out just thinking about it. Watching 4 kids is stressful in itself, I NEED that break.

I had typed out all the grusome details of some toilet issues Bren was having, but after posting it and going back and rereading it, I realized maybe, it was TMI. LOL. Let's just say, potty training has be derailed because of a few health issues in that department and we are working on it. No problems with number ones, but a whole lot of trouble in the number two department.

So anyways, that was a whole lot of fun. Sunday morning at about 2 Bren showed up in my room covered in puke. It took a good hour to clean her, the carpet, and the bedding. By the time I was finished I had a horrible time falling back to sleep. I was very thankful to be able to sleep in the next morning. Brennan acted like nothing was wrong by morning. So all four of us have now had the stomach bug. Each was spaced about a week apart. The girls only puked one or two times at night and then were better by morning. I never did puke but felt awful all day and Jeff puked once and felt awful all day. I've heard of this going around everywhere so I wasn't surprised we all got it. I was surprised that it was fairly mild for all of us. Still chalking that up to the vitamins. They aren't completely fool proof, but I swear they help even when you do get sick. Even my colds have been more mild this year, and the girls have only had a couple sniffles that were also very mild.

So anyways, my goal this week is to just continue to work on myself and my reactions to stress. It seems I am always in a constant state of being stressed out and I need to find a better way to cope. I'm trying to get deeper into the word and meditate on scripture and speak to the Lord throughout my day more often. I'm trying to will myself to be more calm when I am presented with stressful situations. I do have triggers that get me very quickly which include: squabbling kids, tattle tailing, whining, and crying. Sometimes they all happen at once. It can be very difficult to not loose your cool when they do. So anyways, I'm working on it. Here's to week two. Hope it is a little better.

Right words, right time

2012-01-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

Man did this ever get to me the other day and hasn't left my mind sense. I think I needed to be reminded to let GO and ACCEPT. I let that stress me out WAY too much in my job. I've heard it before, but it really impacted me more today. I think God knew I needed to hear it. Maybe it will help you today too:)

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Ratty Mansion

2011-12-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be fun to create a little ~~house~~ mansion for our ratty girls. They really do enjoy it and it is great fun watching them poke their little heads out of the windows. They do is so quickly though it was hard to catch it on camera. Anyhoo....It has 4 floors. I made it and the girls decorated it. Good times!

Hello? Anyone home?

Queen of the castle, little Ms. Daisy!

Mommy's little helper

2011-12-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

Some days I just really, really enjoy Bren. Yesterday was one of them.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas was blessed this year, as it always is. Jeff and I vowed not to go overboard like we did last year, he broke his vow. We had a big Christmas and it was a blast, just the four of us. We tried really hard not to do a lot of toys, as we are pretty stocked up on those types of things and until I can get rid of baby stuff for the daycare, I don't have a lot of room to grow in that department. The girls got a lot of games, puzzles, and artsy stuff. I got a makegup desk, new electric fireplace, purse, and much more.

It all seemed worth it when Brennan kept coming up to us and throwing her little arms around us and saying, "Tank you for my pesents!" Oh man. That girl is special. Makes me want to go big EVERY year.

We were supposed to go to Silver Dollar City on Monday with the Chase family, but Kadyn woke up with a stomach bug the night before and needed that day to get her energy back. The date was rescheduled for tonight. Unfortunately, I have to work and won't be able to join them. By the time I could join them it will be dark and I am not a fan of driving Ozark Mountains in the dark. I get a bit turned around.

My husband really cracks me up because on Monday afternoon he said, "I'm starting to feel that funk Darc." When I asked him what he was talking about he said, "That 'I have to go back to work tomorrow' funk. I just want to stay at home with my family FOREVER!" Man, that makes me feel all tingly inside hearing that. Feelings are mutal babe!

Modeling our new PJs the night before Christmas

Daddy has the best taste in cute winter wear.

Anything K-State is always a shoe in for Jeff.

Kadyn honed in on the big ones right away, of course!

Yes, Santa came through. Our DOODLE BEARS!!!!

Oooo, beads to make my own necklaces? Wow!

Another game to kick Mom's butt with.

Watching Mom open presents is almost as much fun as opening ours...almost.

The grand finale...the girls' first doll. They only had babies before this day.

Two days later, I finished my 750 piece puzzle. One of my favorite gifts!

Thank you Lord for my family and especially for letting us join you for celebrating the birth of your son every year!

What would've it been like?

2011-12-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a moment. It's a rare glimpse into what could've been, but never was. My girls were playing with their barbies together so nicely. It was precious and I had that happiness deep inside just well up in my heart as I watched them. It was just so peaceful and sweet. I felt that contentment that many mothers feel when they look at their children and know things are just as they should be. It made me dream of a life I never got to have.

When I decided to have children I honestly thought I was going to have to go to work and leave my children in daycare. When my first came along, I knew I had to do everything in my power to make sure I was the one doing all the raising of my child. It was a strong conviction and Jeff and I took a leap of faith to make that happen. He switched careers, we moved to a new town, and we counted every last penny. The home we bought was in dire need of rehab. While we lived there we dealt with a leaky roof, sewage spill in the crawl space, floors that were caving in, windows that no longer opened, leaky pipes, etc. etc. Little by little we completely redid that house; it just didn't feel safe or sanitary to live in it in that state. In retrospect we would have been better off renting, but there was just something appealing to have a place of your own to call home. We inquired a small amount of debt to make it possible. In the middle of it all Jeff had another job switch as it began to seem we weren't going to make it on his commission only job. It was a scary time financially. It was then that I began to try to contribute by getting a job at a daycare outside the home. I was OK with the decision because I knew I could keep Kadyn with me. However, after one short month it became clear to me that was not the answer to our problems. Kadyn had been to the urgent care twice with illness, I had been sick with her, and I knew in a few short months they would switch her to an older room then we would be apart.

Therefore, the decision to start a home daycare was born. I have been doing it ever since with only a short 6 month break when we moved to Branson. The fact is, had we not bought a home and had to fix it up, we may not have had to start that daycare. It was our decision to do so, so we made our bed and now we are still lying in it. I sometimes wonder if my life is not one chosen for me, but one I chose by the decisions we made. I can't change them, but it doesn't stop me from daydreaming of the life I really wanted, to be a mother with no other agenda than to serve my children and husband.

It makes me wonder what kind of mother I would've been had that life been possible for us. The decision to do daycare did save us for several months and still gives us the peace we need if months are really rough financially. Although Jeff's current job does have a base salary, we also depend on the commission he makes to make our lives work. My job is kind of like our insurance for the months commission just doesn' t role in like we had hoped. Anyhoo...doing this daycare has certainly changed me as a mother. I think I have turned into a "won't take any guff" kinda mom. In a way, it becomes survival for me. When you have 4 children in your house at one time, if you begin to allow behaviors to slip it can mean complete disaster down the road and you will be swallowed in complete chaos. In a sense it saddens me that I can't be a more empathetic mother. I worry if I am screwing my children up because of it. At the same time, I look at my kids and see such wonderful, well behaved children (sure they have their moments). But most of the time they are just really good, joyful kids. We are constantly getting compliments on how well behaved our girls are. Then I think, it's OK Darci. God's got your back. If you are an over the top military mom, God will convict your heart. Just continue to seek his counsel and follow your heart.

I wonder how different my children would be without this daycare. They have really gained an incredible amount of social skills being around the other children. They have learned to be independent as Mom can not possibly attend to 4 children's needs at the same time, each has to wait his or her turn. At the same time they can loose their patience with me because I can't tend to their beckoning call. I wonder if this is a reflection of my own impatience coming out in them. It saddens me a bit. They are very good at keeping themselves busy. They long to go places and do things and Bren even cries when we have to go back home, I wonder if this is because we are literally homebound day in and day out until the weekend hits.
They see a mother who at times is going a little nuts as the only adult interaction she sees is those brief moments when parents drop off their children, pick up their children, when their father walks through the door, and brief stints on facebook when she gets a free moment to herself.

There was a brief amount of time after our move when I was able to have this life I dreamed of as a mother and it was glorious. I went to a women's bible study, now I read online devotions. I went to MOPS, now I correspond with other mothers through blogs and craft all on my own. I took Kadyn to storytime at the library, now I have storytime at home. I had a regular playdate with a friend, now my kids have playdates 24/7 at home and I have a cup of tea by myself. I was able to run to the store and pick up this or that if I realized I ran out of something, now I call Jeff and hope he can find to pick up those things after work. I took Kadyn to the park on a regular basis, now we play in our front yard on trikes. It was such a blessing and I loved every minute of it. I'm so thankful for those few short months.

All this is not to say that I don't consider my life blessed as it is now. The daycare has brought to my life a sense of accountability. I feel very accountable to make the experience for my daycare children a positive one so I make sure to do crafts, learning time, story times, and other stimulating activities. My children also get the reap the benefits of this. It has also forced me to keep up with my household chores. I have to have a house that is presentable when those parents walk through the door. The kids are fed healthy well balanced fresh meals, my children reap the benefits of this as well. It's very rare that I feed daycare kids left overs. Lastly, it has been something to put on my resume when I return to work. I may not have been teaching in a school system, but I have been teaching every day at home with other people's children and my own. That surely will reflect well on my experiences for my career.

Some may argue that what I do is no different than having 4 children of my own all under the age of 5. To that I say, perhaps until you do it yourself you will realize that caring for other people's children is NOT the same. There will always be a pull that is much stronger towards your own children and the way you conduct yourself when you are in the presence of those children and their parents is different. You are on constant professional mode and you can't just let things slide because every day you are making an impression. Perhaps I am too hard on myself at times with the way I run my business, but I have always given my jobs 100% and this one is no exception. There is more illness when you open your doors to other people's children. There is more opportunity to allow yourself to be taken advantage of by others from parents who show up late to pick up their child, drop them off early without notice, show up with out diapers, formula, etc. Rules that you may have in your home may not exist in their homes which sends mixed messages to the children and make it a lot harder for you especially when those children take it out on your own children. Families of the children you watch may be broken and so the children come with special needs emotionally that your children may not have. In fact, it has been pretty common for me and my home to be a refuge for a few mothers of children who I have watched. I suppose they feel safe, supported, and secure in my home and around me. So again, it is NOT the same I say!!!!

I could list a hundred negatives of giving up your home, privacy, and family (in a sense) to do a home daycare, but the one thing that I always say to rebutt all that is, it has allowed for me to stay at home with my children, and that has been the most important thing and the thing that keeps me moving forward. At the end of the day, I have been able to be there for my children. I have seen their first steps, heard their first words, fed them their first foods, kissed their owies, settled their squabbles, read them my favorite stories, helped navigate them through what it means to be a good friend and because of that....it has all been worth it. I know I don't have it in me to do it for much longer which is why I am done having children, but it has been a journey I will never forget and I have learned a lot about life and about myself doing it. I look forward to the next phase. At the moment it seems so close and I know it will be here before I know it. I'm not sure I can actually say I will miss doing daycare, but I will miss my kids at this age. It has been quite a ride. I'm glad I got to ride it even if it wasn't the way I had always dreamed it would be.

Crafty Kiddo

2011-12-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Kadyn has always enjoyed being crafty and we did a ton of crafts together before she started school. However, ever since she started school it seems to have been bumped up to a whole new level. She is always standing on a chair in the kitchen dragging out the crayons, scissors, glue, paper, and her new favorite, tape. I've been wrapping presents quickly as I'm afraid K will use up all my tape if I don't. Don't even get me started on the messes I've had to clean up despite the fact that K has already "cleaned it up." But I digress. I know it is all worth it. I am actually very happy she is so passionate about it. Everybody needs something and this may just be her thing.

Anyhoo....one day in particular she got ahold of some cardboard and worked on it all morning. This is what she came up with.

She told us that it is supposed to be like those things that you stick your head through at Silver dollar city and take a picture behind. This was supposed to make you look like a lion.

K is usually very good at matching colors when she gets dressed. So one day I was very surprised to see her come out of her room in this:

It was as if her closet threw up on her. I'll just chalk it up to her being....creative?

Glimpses

2011-12-08T08:19:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I catch what I can only describe as glimpses of God's love. I guess what I mean by this is that although we know and accept the love of Christ sometimes it just really, really hits ya. It's almost undescribable. It's overwhelming and yet, it makes me want to stay in that feeling FOREVER. And when I say glimpses of his love, I also meant his in many different facets. Let me give you a few examples.

One day as I was out and about I remember looking at people and it occured to me how many people many of us see as we go about our lives. We don't think twice about them. They have not real connection to us other than perhaps being in the same place at the same time. Suffice to say, we care very little for them, that is in the sense of "love." In fact, sometimes we get irritated with them. You know what I mean: the guy who tail gaits you on your way to work, the coupon lady in the grocery line, the family who brings thier coughing and hacking child to sunday school with the other children. Yes, we don't know these people or their stories, but God does. And God created them. Each and every one of them is his child and he loves, them so, so, so much. He died for each and every one of them. When I think about my love for my children and all these things combined and then just let it soak in for awhile, suddenly I get it, and I actually feel that same love for complete strangers. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's almost magical. And sometimes it seems to go just as quickly as it came. Like a said, it's just a glimpse.

Another example is when I reflect on my life. I reflect on all my blessings that seem to be showered upon me. Whenever I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself I am reminded of others who have so much less than me. I think about all the prayers that have been answered and how bad things could've been, but God has spared me. I sit and I soak it all in and then it comes again. That glimpse of his overwhelming love for me.

Lastly, today as I was reading a devotion I got that glimpse as I read this:

"They shall possess joys inconceivable, happiness beyond a dream, bliss which imagination knoweth not, blessedness which even the stretch of desire hath not reached. The “undefiled in the way” shall have all this—not of merit, nor of works, but of grace. They shall walk with Christ in white, for He has made them 'worthy.' In His sweet company they shall drink of the living fountains of waters."

I sat and I soaked this in for awhile. I imagined my forever life with Jesus in heaven in my white as snow robe. I imagined complete happiness and bliss. It was hard to imagine and it made me so eager to get to that stage in my life. At the same time I thought of this and felt so incredibly unworthy. I thought of all the sinful things I have done as a parent, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a person. I knew I didn't deserve it but yet, I would be presented before the throne completely blameless, completely clean. Wow! There's that glimpse of love again. That overwhelming feeling.

Thank Lord for the glimpses. When I get them, you become so incredibly real to me. It makes me so thankful that I found you and that because of you I can have hope and joy in life.

Bren's 3rd birthday

2011-12-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

Bren had a good day yesterday. It was her 3rd birthday. We had planned to do a big birthday weekend and go see the Festival of the Lights at Silver Dollar City on Saturday, then go to the Maze of Mirrors on Sunday and have a party for her just the four of us later that afternoon. But the stinky weather ruined our plans. So Saturday we made gingerbread houses. Mine turned out to be a gingerbread cube, and Jeff's turned into a gingerbread trailor house. The girls kind of settled to make decorated crackers. They enjoyed it though.

Sunday I let Bren open one present early. My mother gave her some puzzles. They spent some time putting those together and then I decorated for her party during her nap and she got to celebrate it fully when she woke up. It was all Dora themed. Each and every present she got afterwards had something to do with Dora. Mostly she got Dora dress up gear, a Dora wii game (which K loves), a Dora music book, and a Dora DVD. She loved it and looked soooo cute in all dressed up. See for yourself. I love you baby girl! Happy, happy, birthday!

Bren basically just put decorations on her cracker

K gave it a valiant effort, but ended up just settling for decorated crackers in the end.

Mom's cube

Dad won for best gingerbread house, or trailor house that is.

Notice the earrirngs? We LOVE the tutu.

K decorated the wrapping paper for the gift from her.

Dora's twin?

No more guilt

2011-12-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

There is so much hubbub floating around these days on the proper way to raise an infant. To schedule a baby, not to schedule a baby, cry it out, no cry technique, the Ferber method. Yada, yada, yada. I have spent WAY too much time letting what I read make me feel guilty about how I choose to raise my own children and run my daycare. Every time I read some of these articles I am left feeling like an awful, evil person. Then when I post some of my thoughts and feelings on the subject I am left feeling that there are eyes of judgment all around me. I no longer wish to live my life that way. The truth is, I care about children and have devoted my adult life to them. In the end I just want to raise and be around happy, well adjusted children. Everything I choose to do with them in how I work with them and raise them is only intended to help them, and keep me happy in the process. After all, what good am I to them if I am not happy caring for them simply because I am told I must do it this way or that way? If this is the calling given to me by God, I don’t think he intends for me to be unhappy doing it. I am writing this as one final “say my piece” and then I will keep my mouth shut. Truly, my only wish is that all of us “mothers” would stop telling other mothers what is right or wrong for them and just support them as long as each and every mother’s choices truly has everyone’s best interest at heart and does what she does out of love and concern for everyone involved.

I am a firm believer on scheduling a baby, but at the same time after running daycare, I have come to realize that some babies just aren’t schedule babies. It has caused me an incredible amount of emotional turmoil and guilt because in order to meet the needs of a demanding baby, I have to cheat the needs of the other children. For those babies, I think being at home with their parents truly is the best thing and yes, I have even tried to encourage the mother of a certain child I watch to stay at home with her, but was unable to convince her.

With my own children I was able to schedule them fairly easy. It did require some tough love and some crying, but it worked and they are happy, well-behaved, adjusted children. It worked for our family. I am a very scheduled person by nature and I think when I am unable to put a child on a schedule it stresses me out because it compromises the care of the other children (I’ll go into this more later). So in a sense, not having them on a schedule is a detriment to their care because of what it does to me and my feelings about how I care for ALL of them. All children deserve a caretaker that is happy, healthy, and enjoying being with them.

I say this, not because I am set in my ways, but schedules actually help me better meet the needs of the children. How? When a child is on a schedule and crying around their usual nap time, I know it is because they need a nap. If they start crying around their usual eating time, I know it is because they are hungry. If they are crying at an unusual time that is not usually their nap or eating time, then I know it is something different like teething, illness, or just needing a hug or a snuggle.

Sleep has been my biggest stressor of all for babies who aren’t scheduled. There are times I know they are tired, but they just WON’T go to sleep, they fight it EVERY time. This is where many people would argue you just have to hold them and rock them until they sleep; to do otherwise is cruel and unusual. Babies need this and you can’t spoil them. Yes, I understand this. Yes, I know about all the studies. Yes, I agree for newborns this is the case, and I have done this for newborns. They have an uncanning ability to tune out the noise and chaos around them and fall asleep in the arms of their caretaker. However, once a child reaches a certain age, that ability to fall asleep amidst the chaos disappears (for most); they become aware of their surroundings and trying to fall asleep with other children running around playing and being loud is just too stimulating in a daycare setting. They are unable to fall asleep in the chaos.

This is when I run into trouble. I can’t close myself off in another room and rock and rock and snuggle and snuggle. I have to be able to keep my eye on the other children in my care or I would be completely negligent if something horrible happened. Then, there is also the dilemma of the baby who decides they are tired right in the middle of snack time, lunch time, story time, when someone needs to use the potty, or during preschool time. A baby who can fall asleep on their own will not be short changed by these things because they can simply be laid down, a baby who is dependent on constant holding and rocking to fall asleep may be shorted by the other children during these times, or the other children will be shorted by the baby. It really is a no win situation for me and leaves me feeling like I failed someone every time. (Oh, and yes I have tried baby wearing to alleviate this problem, but after they get to a certain weight, this just isn’t very practical and summer months makes it seem almost dangerous because the baby and I end up sweating to death).

Suddenly, being able to fall asleep on their own becomes survival for everyone. They need sleep to be happy and healthy children. I need them to sleep to be happy and healthy children, because children who aren’t happy and healthy make my job 20 times harder and end up cheating the other children out of a happy environment.

I guess I can only speak from personal experience, but overall, all the children that I have watched who have been on schedules are happy children. These last two weeks the baby that I have been unable to schedule has FINALLY started to fall into a schedule. Guess what? They have been the best two weeks that I’ve had with her. She is happy when she is awake and when she cries, I know exactly what she needs so the crying has been minimal. She still cries going down for naps, but slowly that time has been going down and we have even had a few times where she didn’t cry at all. Her naps which once were only 30 minutes, are starting to lengthen. This has made for a well rested baby that is MUCH happier. So….it is working FOR US. It has been a long time coming, but better late than never!

I’ll just end by saying this. I have begun to feel that we shouldn’t bash each other as parents if we choose to use this method or that method for raising our children. The important thing is that ALL people, children, and their parents, are happy in the end. Mothers need freedom to choose a method without feeling like they will be judged for it because honestly, for every method out there, there is an opponent. So to all you parents who feel guilty for doing it this way or that way. STOP! I know you love your children. I don’t judge you. About the only thing I think may be a mistake in child rearing is raising a child who doesn't know about his or her savior. But that's a whole other can of worms that we may have to open later ;)

You think cosleeping with your children until they are 2 is the right thing. Go for it. You think having them in their own room from the get go is the right thing….go for it! You need to be by their crib until they fall asleep, go for it! You think letting them cry it out is the only thing that will work and save your sanity….go for it. You think using cloth dipes is best, do it? You would rather use disposables, fine. You think breastfeeding is the best or formula, do it! You think potty training in panties is best, great! you think pullups are the way to go, give it a go! You think scheduling them is the best thing for them, do it! You think going with the flow works better for baby, go for it! No two children are alike, do what works for them and you. I respect that you only want what’s best for your child and you have the right to do what you feel is best as long as you are BOTH happy in the end. God intends for BOTH of you to be happy. If it works for baby, but not for you, find something that works for you both. You BOTH deserve to be happy and baby will be better for it. Oh, and just because I don’t do it your way and share the way I do it, please feel no judgment by me. It was what works for me and is based on my own experiences trial and error. My thoughts and opinions are (and can only be) based on my experiences with the children I have had under my care.

My love to all you hard working Mothers out there. It's not easy.

As the year draws to a close...

2011-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

...I reflect on what 2011 brought to our family.

1. My oldest little girl started school and it was one of the hardest moments of my life to date. However, with the sorrow of passing out of a treasured phase in our lives with her, it also brought incredible joy to see her thriving in a school environment. She has started reading pretty well and got her first bicycle to ride (with training wheels of course). She is so creative and artistic. Her preference for passing time is always to draw, color, write letters, or just create something artistic. I love this!

2. My youngest is out of diapers. We aren't out of the woods yet, like I formerly thought (at least for night time), but we are getting closer each and every day. She can also recognize of the alphabet as well as tell me the sounds each letter makes. She can count to 20 give or take a few numbers. She talks your ear off and has made me develop my mother's skill of tuning out and saying, "Uh-huh. Oh!!!! Really?" It's survival sometimes.

3. I started 2 new children in daycare and one of them has tested me on every level. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, but I am hanging in there and it seems to be improving every day.

4. My husband's business has been slowly, but steadily growing. God has certainly answered our prayers and I am so incredibly proud of him.

5. We have lived in our house for 2 years and we love it just as much, if not more than the first day we moved in.

6. God finally gave me the courage I needed to decide to be done having children. I was so emotionally raw over this decision for a long time, and he has helped me find the peace I longed for. In addition, he has shown me what being a family of four will mean for our future and it looks very bright.

7. My husband and I were able to get away for a vacation just the two of us. Our first since our honeymoon 11 years ago. It was a nice time to reconnect.

8. God has placed a calling to teach in the public schools back into my heart and begun the process of taking courses so I can recertify. It is exciting and a nice reminder of what makes me tic. I am uncertain of when he will open that door officially, but I will be ready when it happens and happy to obey that calling.

9. We were able to get a fireplace to heat our basement this winter which means 100% of our house is useable all year long. What a blessing!

10. I have changed from a vegetarian to a occasionarian. It has relieved some of the burden of having to be creative for EVERY meal. However, by trying to adhere to a vegetarian diet most of the time, I haven't lost everything I learned and still feel I am doing right by my body.

2011 you have been good to us. Thanks for the memories!

Update

2011-11-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

Remember how I told you I was probably going to stop watching the baby, well it didn't happen. She is still here. I will spare you all the long details, but the good news is she is better. She does pretty well during her wake times which has been a huge blessing. Nap times are still somewhat of a nightmare. She will only sleep for 30 minutes at a time and she fights going down just about every single time. I'm trying to keep my patience about it, but it tries my patience...every...single....day. Why do kids fight naps so much? Sigh. If we can lick this napping problem, then all will be where I want it to be. One day at a time I suppose.

Today I have found comfort in this:

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psa 51:12)

Bilberry Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

We had a nice, low key thanksgiving at our house this year. Uncle Jason came to visit and was kind enough to cook the turkey, veggies, and a pie for us all. I made sweet potato casserole, and Jeff made the green bean casserole. The girls spent all morning watching the parade. Bren really wanted to go to it, and when I informed her that it was too far away she said, "Then we better hurry!" She was very excited about the parade informing of the things she was seeing. My favorite was when she ran in the kitchen and proclaimed, "Mama, mama, I saw a human!" Silly girl.

It was so nice to spread out the responsibilities. I was more than happy to spend an hour in the kitchen cleaning it all up because I hadn't been in the kitchen all day slaving away cooking it up. Day after Thanksgiving we took turns shopping. We are close to being done with our Christmas shopping for each other, we will be shopping for the girls soon as soon as we can secure childcare.

As per our tradition, we watched National Lampoon's Christmas vacation Thanksgiving night and The Santa Claus and Elf later in the weekend. Christmas story is next on the list. We also played connect four and Trouble, two of Kadyn's favorite games. Kadyn even got to challenge uncle Jason to a little guitar hero and Jason was able to kick Jeff's butt at wii football a little icing on the cake for the boys in addition to the hours of football that was watched.. Saturday night the girls and I also whipped up some Christmas cookies. Kadyn said that was her favorite part of our holiday. Overall, it was such a laid back, relaxing holiday weekend. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I got a decent break. Usually our time off is spent rushing from here to there, but not this time. Just relaxing and going with the flow. My kind of break.

Kadyn got off the bus Wednesday afternoon dressed like this. What a great way to kick off Turkey break!

The turkey turned out great! Thanks Uncle Jas!

Dadddy makes a mean green bean casserole and he looks so handsome making it;)

"Look Rus, you can't see the lines."

The girls LOVED making cookies this year. It's a tradition but they didn't remember it from last year. Some day the memory will stick and then it will really seem more like a tradition.

Even though I cut the recipe in half, it still made a bunch of cookies. They are now frozen for our next sweet Saturday. Yes, I am that mom!

The rats spent a lot of time sleeping with their heads off their hammock hoping we'd give them more Turkey day dinner. They enjoyed Thanksgiving too and even enjoyed a turkey bone.

Just killing time.

2011-11-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we stayed home. Sometimes it feels good to have absolutely no where to go and nothing to do. To just wing it. It was glorious. I thought it might be fun for ~~the girls and I~~ me to make a maze for the ratties to conquer. First I thought we could do it out of megablocks alone, but that proved to be impossible because there just wasn't enough. So the next plan was to use library books and hope the ratties didn't knock them over. First up was Daisy. We almost got her at the starting gate, but Bren accidently knocked over some books before we even got started. Take two went much better.

She may have been too smart. She went straight from beginning to the end without even a sniff in the wrong direction. As proud as I was to have a smart rat, it was a little disappointing that she didn't get stumped, not even once. After all, it did take me almost an hour to set up the maze. She didn't even seem interested in the treat at the end.

Second up was Daphne. She took an entirely different approach. She just hurlded the first wall she found and ended up knocking over a few others in the process. I suppose that's another way to get through. Oh well. It was fun trying to set it up, even if it didn't go as planned. The girls seemed to enjoy watching me do it and seeing how the ratties reacted.

Daisy in her usual position as soon as you open the door. She LOVES to get out!

Daisy went back to explore after she reached the finish in 2 seconds flat.

The girls gearing up to knock down all the walls at the end of our experiment.

Sunday I decided to break out the sewing machine and make the ratties two new things for their cage. Kadyn had a pair of jeans that was falling apart so I cut off the legs and hemmed the ends to make a hanging tunnel. Next, I sewed the back and front of the jeans together to make a hanging pocket. They really like the hanging pocket. Lots of buttons to chew, pockets to poke their heads out of, and a zipper to chew too.

Did someone say "cheese?"

We sure do love our little furballs. I know their just rats, but they are little furry balls of loving fun to us.

She's famous!

2011-11-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday as I was surfing the web I came across a website called petoftheday.com. I decided for grins and giggles I'd enter Daisy, not really thinking she'd have a shot at winning as the website is seen in 125 different nations. Within 10 minutes of entering, I had a request from the website administrators for more pictures. Within another couple hours I was notified she'd be the pet of the day for November 18th. So....we have a famous rat. After today she will be in their permanent archives for further viewing. Pretty exciting for the girls and I.

Check it out at: http://petoftheday.com/archive/2011/November/18.html

Goodbye 30 min, hello 2 min

2011-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

Chopped my hair off last weekend. It was almost to the middle of my back. Seeing all that hair on the floor after my beautician chopped it, looked a bit like a small animal. In my mind I thought I would be able to have gorgeous hair like JLo or Christian Applegate when it was long, but I was wrong. It took forever to fix and never held it's style because of the humidity. Hair that won't hold a style makes me feel old and frumpy by the end of the day. I was never able to leave it down an entire day because I would get too hot with it down. So anyhoo....it was time.

I've had my new do before so I knew what I was getting into. What used to take 30 minutes to fix now takes 2 min. It's a mom do, there's no getting around it, but I'm OK with that. My picture isn't the most flattering pic of the cut as it needs to be washed and refluffed, but just wanted to document how short I went. Short enough to be easy, but not so short I don't still have options for different styles. Today I was sporting the pin the bangs out of your face look. Probably what I will do the most since I don't like hair hanging in my eyes.

God given trials

2011-11-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

I read this little devotion today, it uplifted me. What I do is hard, but it helped me really know my trials are God given and necessary for my growth and given to me in love. Maybe if you need a pick me up today it will help you too. I found it here.

"He shall choose our inheritance for us." — Psalm 47:4

Believer, if your inheritance be a lowly one you should be satisfied with your earthly portion; for you may rest assured that it is the fittest for you. Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. A ship of large tonnage is to be brought up the river; now, in one part of the stream there is a sandbank; should some one ask, "Why does the captain steer through the deep part of the channel and deviate so much from a straight line?" His answer would be, "Because I should not get my vessel into harbour at all if I did not keep to the deep channel." So, it may be, you would run aground and suffer shipwreck, if your divine Captain did not steer you into the depths of affliction where waves of trouble follow each other in quick succession. Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!

"Trials must and will befall—
But with humble faith to see
Love inscribed upon them all;
This is happiness to me.

Opening up a can of worms

2011-11-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

I realize this may be opening up a can of worms, but after reading facebook for the last couple of days, I felt inspired to write about it. I'm sure you've heard the buzz, the Duggard family is expecting their 20th baby! I have seen avid supporters of this family and others who seem so judgemental it makes me sick. Then they defend themselves claiming they are not passing judgement, but mearly, "stating an opinion." To that I say, look up the definition of judgement. You will find the word "opinion" in it.

I just refuse to be critical of this family. When I think of having 20 children myself, it seems absurd, but then I'm not a Duggard. From what I've gathered on the show, the children are all happy, healthy, spiritually strong, and well cared for. Who are we to say what they can or can't do? And really how can you say it's not God's will to have another child? He created that child didn't he?

I made the comment on someone's post about how I think that the child will probably have plenty of attention because Mama has 19 other little helpers. Instantly someone became very offended by my comment saying that it was in no way the children's responsiblity to care for another child and that having grown up in a large family himself, he knew there was no way for each child to get all the attention they deserve. I was blown away by the assumption that just because he had grown up in a large family, that he assumed that experience was the same for all large families. Furthermore, anytime you have more than one child, each child will never get all the attention he or she deserves. There will be times it simply is not fair for each child, but that's life folks!

I've only seen their show a handful of times. Some say they are wrong to exploit their family by putting them on national television. In the few times I watched the show, I have never caught even a hint of displeasure about being on TV from any of the children. In fact, I've even heard some people say they have been inspired by watching their show and have gotten great tips on how to raise their own families. Perhaps the show could even be considered to be sort of a ministry to other families like them. The only negative I have seen come from it is all the judgement they have incurred by being on the show. I'm sure they realize that this is part of it, but something must be compelling them to keep doing it. Is it he money? Maybe. Is it because of the lives they have touched? Maybe. I don't know, but the Duggards do.

So anyways, all of this is to say I'm not pro 20 babies, at least not in my case, but however many children another family decides to have is really none of my business as long as those children are happy, healthy, and well cared for. To each thier own people. It's really between God and them anyways. Before you say, I'm not judging, BUT....remember,

Matthew 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

Papa and Kama visit

2011-11-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

My Dad flew into Branson last Thursday and my mother showed on Friday (a little later due to work obligations). We all very anxious for their arrival. It was very nice to just be around my folks again and for the kids to get some time with their grandparents. It seems weird to me that I get to see them once a year and if I'm lucky, twice. Friday night we saw the production "The Miracle of Christmas" at the Sight and Sound theater. It was our second time to see it and my parent's first time. It was awesome! Saturday night we went out to eat at a Japanese Sushi Steak house and then went to the Festival of the Lights at Shephard of the Hills. Sunday night we had a small birthday celebration for my Dad. The cake turned out horribly as I used some old oil and it had a funny wang to it, but it was thought that counts right?

The girls loved having their Papa around to horse around with as you will see from the pictures and the rats did too LOL. Their only complaint was that he ate all of the good halloween candy up. When Kadyn asked why I replied, "Remember, your Papa has a horrible sweet tooth." Kadyn replied, "Well I think he needs to have that sweet tooth pulled!" Brennan stomped off after her sister in a huff and said, "Why did Papa do that?"

It was very funny. Anyhoo....here are few pics. I feel bad that I didn't get more, but when you're in the moment it tends to slip your mind.

2011-11-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

I must admit. I wasn't as excited about Halloween this year. Last year it was a big deal as Jeff's family came in for the holiday, and we all dressed up and trick or treated together. This year Jeff had work obligations, and it was just the girls and I. Such a bummer. However, we still made the most of it, and the girls had a blast anyways.

Carving pumpkins, on the other hand, was a little more fun than it usually is. Both Jeff and I felt like it seemed easier this year, and I'm not entirely sure why. The girls really got into to it this year, more than normal. Kadyn even carved half of her pumpkin by herself. I had to clean out at least three of the pumpkins myself as the gross factor always comes into play with my girls. Jeff and I went outside the box for our pumpkins. Since we have two new ratty additions in our family, I thought it would be fun to carve a pumpkin in their honor. After all, don't most people consider rats to be creepy. Perfect for Halloween! Jeff, of course, stuck to paying honor to his favorite school.

Anyhoo...here's a little of our holiday this year in pics.

Happy Halloween Everyone! From Sister Darci, Spider girl Kadyn, and Leopard Brennan.

Forgot....no problem

2011-10-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

If you forget the lyrics to a song, no problem! Just make up your own. Hope you find this amusing as I did.

Popping colors

2011-10-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Fall has really popped at our house. Happy fall every one!

Dada saves the day

2011-10-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

The kids were playing t ball in the front driveway. They ended up hitting the ball into the culdesac and it rolled into the gutter (one of many times we've lost a ball to a gutter) Dada, and all his ingenuity, rigged a butterfly net to a broom stick and fished it out. It was kinda cute watching the kids trotting behind him determined to retrieve their ball. I couldn't believe Dada did it in his dress cloths. Such a good Dada!

Downsizing....again

2011-10-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

Every time I try to watch more than two daycare kids, it NEVER works out. The baby I have been watching is probably the most demanding child I have EVER watched for a baby. The little baby I watched a year ago came close, but this one wins the cake. I am almost as stressed as I was when I was watching those two rowdy boys. She is six months old. I have had her since she was 8 weeks. I kept thinking things would get better as she ages, but they have only gotten worse. Today she wouldn't even take a nap. She was here for 5 hours and dog tired and CRANKY. I tried 4 different times to get her to go down and nada! She would throw fits EVERY time I put her down to do anything so there's definitely some separation anxiety at play here too.

I hate that I will probably be sending her on her way as I have really enjoyed working with her parents and we have a good friendship which makes this all the more awkward, but at the end of the day I am running a business and I have to do what is in the best interest of myself, my family, and the other daycare kids. They are being robbed of time with me because of her. They are also being robbed of a sane woman watching them. I have tried every trick under the sun to make this little girl happy and get her on a schedule. It always ends the same, crying, crying, and more crying. Yes, it is time. A child like this needs to be a facility where there are more hands to help. This way they can take shifts so it is not at the expense of the baby or the other children. I simply do better with older children.

Anyhoo...I wish I could say that this is the last baby I will watch, but the little boy I watch has a little brother on the way and I have agreed to watch him next year. This little guy is a typical toddler, he likes to pick on Brennan, but overall he is a sweet boy and if his brother on the way is anything like him, it should be fine. It would seem I'm not a baby person. I've watched two babies in two years, and I had to let them go. However, I have watched two newborns before them while I was in Springfield and didn't have the issues I'm having now. It really is a child by child basis. Thankful God gave me easy babies. I'm not cut out for the fussy ones. Sure am looking forward to getting back to teaching in a school again soon! God has made it very clear that daycare is not my true calling. Thankful for the what it has taught me and the perks it has given our girls socially and our family financially, but I know deep in my heart that I am meant to be teaching in a school. Just two more years....hopefully ;)

Hoping for the best

2011-10-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you how crazy I am about our new pets. I know it sounds silly. A rat right? They are everything you read about them and more. They really are like little dogs in rat bodies and each with their own very unique personality. Every morning when we wake they are just as excited to see us as we are them. Daisy especially is known to scale the walls of her cage to let us know she wants out to see us. She will even bypass a treat to get to us. She is soooo playful. I have been able to wrestle with her, play tug of war with her, hide and seek, and peekaboo. She doesn't like to sit still very long and has even started giving me kisses. Not one bite, only what I like to call "love nibbles" because they are friendly and tickle.

Daphne is so much more laid back, however, I'm not sure how much of that is due to the fact that she is not feeling well. Both rats were sneezing when we brought them home. I thought it was just them adjusting to the new smells in our home and read that sometimes happens, but Daphne is getting much worse. I'm not sure she'll make it. She is super snuggly and chatters when we hold her (supposedly a sign of contentment). She will even take a snooze and snuggle with us. We are too attached to take them back to the store, and if we loose one or both we will certainly get some more, maybe from a different store. It just makes me sick to think we got sick rats. The man at the store said they were sneezing because he had just used hand sanitizer. I stupidly believed him.

Anyhoo....preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. Didn't think we'd be loosing any of them this soon. Just wish I wasn't attached; can't believe how easy these little rodents are to love.

Let me introduce....

2011-10-15T14:48:00.000-07:00


Daphne

and Daisy.

Now before you get all, "Ewww gross, you got a rat?", let me assure you that rats get a bad rap and there's way more to them than you really know. My mother used to always tell us stories about their pet rat named "Newt." He sounded like the coolest pet ever. I always wanted a rat. In college I finally got that chance when I rescued someone's pet rat who was donated to a pet store to be sold as snake food. I only had him for one short year, which is why I was OK with adding him to my family. Jeff was in total shock and thought I was nuts, but my rat, Nubby, won him over very quickly and he was soon a fan. Why?

You see, he quickly learned that rats are actually very cute little critters with tons of personality. Unlike their hamster counterparts, they actually bond to their human parents and are very affectionate. Many people describe them like little dogs in a rat's body. They are super intelligent, very social, and playful.

Jeff and I had been talking for awhile about getting a hamster for the girls, but I talked myself into another rat because I knew that it was very rare for a rat to bite. Hamsters, on the other hand... let's just say I've been bitten my fair share of times by hamsters as a child. I knew if a hamster bit one of my girls, it would be the end of them wanting to hold it. Then it would just become another thing to take care of that served no purpose. The girls haven't been around a rodent before, so learning how to handle them is a process. The baby rats have been very accommodating to the squishing that goes on when a little one tries to hold a squirmy rodent. We've only had them 24 hours and already they are calming down significantly and snuggling with us. They are just very, very sweet little baby rats. We also enjoy giving them treats and watching them wrestle in their huge mansion of a cage.

I also like that they have a short life span, 2-3 years. I figure this way, if the girls loose interest, I'm not in it for very long anyways. Bren thinks they are cool but isn't overly in love with them. She does squeal and giggle when they pay attention to her and tickle her with their whiskers. Kadyn on the other hand, she LOVES the ratties. I put the cage in their room for the night and left the room. I heard a thud and knew they had snuck out of their beds. When I opened the door, there they were crouched down on the floor with their night light turtle, trying to shine it in the cage to get a good look at what the rats were doing in the dark. I realize once the newness wears off they will become more work, but I hope that they give the kids at least a little of the experiences I had growing up. I loved animals so much. It was a big part of my life. I want to provide that experience for my kids too. Fish are great, but they don't allow for much interaction with the girls. Now that I don't have to care for a huge tank (or at least once it's sold anyways, the man who spoke for it didn't show today), I am not really adding anymore work than I had before with the tank. It all kind of evens itself out.

So welcome to the Bilberry clan Daphne and Daisy. You sure are cuties!

2 year old Fashionista

2011-10-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing is quite like a two year old's sense of fashion. Priceless!

Yum!!!

2011-10-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have been eating a mostly vegetarian diet for almost 2 years straying only for vacations and a handful of times at home during some weak moments. Lately, I've decided to go ahead and add turkey and chicken back into my diet on occasion. I don't think I will ever go back to eating meat for every lunch and supper though. In fact, I still prefer to eat vegetarian for most meals, I just want to allow myself the option of white meat because....it is good after all, and it sure gives me more options when I cook for my family. So I really can't classify myself as vegetarian anymore. Wish there was a word for a person who prefers to eat vegetarian, with occasional white meat. Maybe....occasionarian?

I love that I did the vegetarian thing for as long as I did. Actually, I didn't think I'd last that long or enjoy it. I actually loved it. It made me a better cook. It opened me up to vegetables in a way I had NEVER been my whole life. It helped me manage my weight. And it improved my health overall. There were so many things I wish I could've tried, but they were things that could only be found at a health food stores, and we don't exactly have a budget that lends itself well to health food prices. Maybe someday.

Anyhoo...on to the point of this post. Tonight we tried a BLT recipe that I found on AllRecipes.com called "Super BLT." It was so delicious. I will definitely put this into my rotation of meals. For the record I used turkey bacon:) I prefer it anyways. Here it is:

Ingredients

8 slices bacon
8 slices bread, toasted
1/4 cup guacamole
1/4 cup cream cheese
4 lettuce leaves
4 slices tomato

Directions

Place the bacon in a large, deep skillet, and cook over medium-high heat, turning occasionally, until evenly browned, about 10 minutes. Drain the bacon slices on a paper towel-lined plate.
Spread the guacamole on 4 slices of toasted bread and the cream cheese on the remaining 4 slices. Arrange a lettuce leaf, tomato slice, and two pieces of bacon on top of 4 slices of bread and top with the remaining slices.

I'm happy to report

2011-10-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

....nope, not pregnant. Almost as exciting though. I think Bren is...dare I say it.....potty traned!!!!!! (slight pause for marching band and fireworks show here).

OK here we go with all the potty talk. Read at your own risk.

Bren has been telling me when she needs to go and not having any accidents in her panties, poo or pee. So what finally made it click for her? Letting go of the control and just letting nature take it's course. I had gotten her used to being clean by making her go at certain intervals so she wouldn't have any accidents, but if I forgot, she most certainly would go in her pants and she hated that feeling. So when I just stopped making her go and letting her experience that, she caught on quickly. I had tried that method when we first started training right after she turned two, but it didn't seem to bother her to be wet at that time. I think having the experience of being clean all the time made it really difficult for her to go back to being wet.

Poos were sooo much harder to tackle. First she couldn't figure out how to let them go in the potty, then she figured it out, but still preferred to use her panties and then tell me when she was done. It wasn't until I caught her in the act and made her finish on the potty that it finally started clicking with her. Sooooo glad to not have to clean dirty underwear anymore! No diapers, no dirty panties, get's on and off the potty by herself, wipes herself (well wipes pees, not poos yet), pulls down her pants and pulls them up with minimal assistance. Yep, I'd say that's trained!

And the best part, for the past 3 days she has even woken up dry. I knew it would come on its own eventually, but I thought it may be awhile yet. Maybe it's a fluke, I'm not taking my brand new box of pullups back just yet, but I'm hoping to soon if we keep going at this rate. Way to go Bren! You just made this Mama very proud and happy.

Saying goodbye to a part of me for now.

2011-10-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

Today I made a decision that was a little tough. I decided to sell my fish tank. This is going to seem a little weird to some of you, but if you know me well enough you will understand why. My entire life I have been fascinated by life in the water. In fact, for a good seven years of my life I wanted to be a marine biologist until my parents discouraged me from doing so pointing out that I lived no where close to an ocean. I remember my very first fish tank and how excited I was to get it. My father bought it for me. It was a 5 gallon tank. Eventually I moved up to a 10 gallon tank. My grandfather brought it home from his office. Again, I was thrilled. I kept that tank all the way through highschool and was known to spend all of my allowance on fish.

In college I downsized to a 3 gallon tank. I was busy and didn't have much time for a tank at that time. Shortly after we moved into our first house I took the big plunge and bought the biggest tank I had ever owned. It was the tank of my dreams. A 55 gallon tank! I had always wanted a big tank and told myself someday when I was an adult I would have one. I have had this tank for 8 years and have loved it. It is relatively easy to maintain. I simply hook a hose up to my sink faucet and drain and empty it with just the flip of a switch. I spent many nights just watching the fish and listening to the serene bubbles. I've been amused by the behaviors and personalities of each and every fish I have owned. They recognize me and follow me around. They have been a great source of entertainment for the my children and the children I watch. Yes, my tank has been a great joy in my life.

So why am I saying goodbye to something that has always been part of my life? Two reasons. First of all, all of my decorations are shot and needing replaced. The cover to my tank is broken and covered in lime deposits; our water is EXTREMELY hard. It needs replaced. The heater needs to be replaced. After 8 years, it is certainly showing it's wear. The tank itself even has a spot or two that may need to be recaulked. It's almost starting to become a liability in it's condition. In order to get it up and running the way it needs to be, I would probably have to dump 200 dollars into it. Rather than dump more money into it, I'd rather spend that money on a new tank all together, but honestly, I'd rather wait to do that until the kids are older and I have more time to enjoy it. Even though it is an easy keep, it is still another responsiblity on my plate.

Funny thing, when I got my first inquiry after posting an ad on craig's list. My heart dropped. I started having second thoughts as I saw my little fish happily swimming around. It was that same pang of sadness I felt when we found a new home for Brutus. It will be weird not seeing the life it brings to our room anymore. The pretty bright colors of the plants and rocks and fish that brighten up our room. I will miss the gentle hum of the air pump and the little popping of bubbles. Silly isn't it? Thank goodness we still have Kadyn's beta, Asia. LOL. She is a spunky little fish. I enjoy her too.

I have to admit though, it will be nice having the extra space in our room. It will be nice not having to spend 15 dollars on new filters every couple months. It will be nice not having to find people to feed the fish when we are out of town. It will be nice not having to clean the tank every couple of weeks. Yes, this will be a welcome break. However, it isn't the end of fish in my life. Nope. Not at all. Someday when my kids are much older, and money isn't quite as tight, I will once again take up my hobby. It makes me happy. It will be fun! I can't wait.

So goodbye old friends....for now.

Why I married your Dad

2011-10-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday our pastor said to write our children a letter to tell them why we married our spouse. I decided to blog it instead. I hope to print off my blog someday. So here I go.

Kadyn and Brennan,

I wanted you to know why I married your Dad. My hope for you is that someday you can find a man that makes you as happy as your Dad makes me. He is an extraordinary man and I am very, very blessed that God chose him to be my soul mate. When I met him, these qualities attracted me to him and made him the most amazing man in my life:

-he's compassionate
-he's supportive
-he makes me feel beautiful
-he is ambitious
-he is a provider
-he's funny and goofy with me
-he's handsome
-he's a dreams with me and sets goals with me
-he loves children and is SOOOOO good with them
-he's helpful
-he's great with people and words
-he won't let me go to bed angry, we always work it out
-he's a thoughtful gift giver
-he's self sacrificial
-he's loving
-he wants me to be happy
-he will cook for me
-he's very smart
-he gives 110%

-he loves exploring places and documenting it in pictures
-he loves music as an art and appreciates it
-he's an amazing friend

I pray with you girls daily for your spouses, because I know that who you end up with can make or break your happiness as an adult. I pray that someday you can write one of these letters to your own children. May God bless you richly in the man he choses to be your spouse and may you find the happiness and contentment in your marriage that I have been able to find in mine.

Love you girls!

Mama

Brenny Mommy Day

2011-10-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Since I had scheduled a day off on Monday because of our camping trip, and we ended up coming back early, I decided to take Monday and make it a special day for Brennan and I. I have taken Kadyn out to do some special things before, but I had never had a special day for Brennan. Monday turned out to be a perfect day for it. We started at the dinosaur museum, went to McDonalds to pick up a happy meal, and took it to the the park for some play time. Later we headed off to the grocery store. Awww, shopping with only one kid on a weekday was glorious! Wish I could do that every week. Anyhoo...here's a little of our day:

The life sized dinos where cool!

T-Rex was Bren's favorite.

There were dino puzzles at the end.

And dino computer games and...

a fossil dig and...

a dino bouncy house and...

a big dino head for pics and...

a fun video game to pretend to play.

Happy meal at the park...yes please!

I love slipper slides and they love me!

Starting to get over my fear of the swing...almost.

Camping trip 2011

2011-10-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went on what I think is becoming an annual Bilberry/Roach camping trip. This time we even got to add a new couple, the Vidottos. It was a short trip for us. We had planned on showing up Saturday afternoon and staying until Monday morning. However, Jeff recieved word a week before about a meeting he had to be back for on Monday so we were only able to stay one night. We left on Sunday afternoon.

Even though the trip was short, we had a great time. The kids really enjoyed playing with other kids their own. They also enjoyed being able to explore the great outdoors. By the time we left Kadyn and I put together a bag of nature goodies to take to her next show and tell which included: pine needles, pine cones, clam shells, acorns, and a mud daubber nest (a type of wasp). We are already looking forward to doing it all over again next year!

Getting the tent ready.

Brrrr.....it was a cold night.

Collecting firewood. Keenan's little helpers.

Gotta test out the mega bed (aka two air mattress stacked on top of each other)

Yes!!!!!We found another stake to dig out of the ground just like last year!

Ooooo fires! How much stuff can we throw in it?

Say cheese? O.K. that means big goofy grin and squinty eyes....everytime!

There was a cute baby to pass around.

Did I mention he was cute?

Food was superb!

A little T-Ball on the side please.

Catcher extraordinaire.

Mom says these are clam shells. See?


Fish don't bite so well when kids are chucking rocks in the water.


Look kids, this is what is inside a clam shell. A slimy creature that looks like a big booger.

Proof that Jeff was actually there.

Weird

2011-09-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

      With the start of my college course week, the reality of my future is really hitting me. I'm super excited and nervous. I have REALLY enjoyed getting back into student mode. It is like a little piece of me has come back. It just feels so good to work my noggin again. At least work it with something beyond ABCs and 123s. I got my assignment Monday. By Tuesday I had read through all the assigned text and by Wednesday I had posted my 4 page assignment (the first in my class I might add ;) Anyhoo....all this has gotten me very excited for what my future holds.

   However, on the flip side of things, this has also made me very nervous about some of the changes that could transpire should I REALLY go back to work in two years. Amoung those fears is how I will balance caring for my home, cooking meals for my family, and where in the world to put Bren for her last year before school. The later is weighing heavily on me this week. I would regret my decision to go back to work if she was somewhere I didn't feel comfortable with. I want this to be an easy transition, not a difficult one. I know she will be fine and enjoy it as long as it is a good place for her.

      Therefore, I have begun to make calls and send emails inquiring what the best daycare/preschool facilities are. Nothing but the best for my baby. After all, my standards are pretty high, sometimes unobtainable high, which partially why I chose to stay home in the first place. I figured if the place is good, it's bound to have a waiting list and I need to be on it. I have heard of places having 2 year waiting lists, I am 2 years out from possibly needing a spot. I figure if I don't get the job, I will just stay at home with Bren for her last year before real school. At least the guilt of leaving her her last year would be gone. How can you regret staying at home to raise your kids the entire time anyways? If that happens, I will know it's God's will, so I'll be fine with it. I may be a little bummed about the job, but no regrets staying with my baby, that's for sure. And taking a kid off a waiting list is more preferable than not getting on one in time, should I need the spot.

     Anyways, all of this is to say I just feel a little weird. Here I am staying at home with my cutie, offering a service to other mothers, all the while searching for that same service two years down the road for a job that may or may not happen. Weird, just weird. Wish I had a crystal ball.

Sweet

2011-09-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

Just when I was beginning to think Kadyn didn't desire to play with girls, this came home with a note from the teacher. I think the teacher was impressed that Kadyn could write these words and make a sentence with them. She was writing these words long before she started school though, so that didn't surprise me much. I was however, very impressed with how sweet the picture and words were towards her friend. What an angel! The girls used to swing on the swings together; the drawing is of both of them and two swings. Since this was only drawn two days ago, I'm guessing Kadyn misses playing with her friend Kaylee.

Tom Boy?

2011-09-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have NEVER thought of Kadyn as a tomboy. She LOVE, LOVE, LOVES pink. She loves to dress up. She loves makeup and barbies and all things girly. However, for the last week and a half at school she has started prefering to play with the boys. They play chase and she loves it. At first some girls participated, but lately I just hear mostly about a little boy named 'Isaac.' I don't think she has a crush on him, I think she just connects well with him. She even asked if she can invite him to her birthday party in March.

I just find this interesting. I realize I am WAY overanalyzing this, but it made me wonder. Has her experience of having a boy as her main playmate her first 5 years of life influenced her ability to connect with other girls. We shall see.

In other news, turns out Bren knows her entire alphabet. I had been only introducing one to two new letters each week, but letting her watch those letter leap frog videos every morning as she LOVES them. Turns out those videos were doing their job. One day she kept asking me to go over letters we had not covered yet. She was calling them by name. So I moved forward with more, and then more, and then more. Next thing I knew we had covered the entire alphabet in one sitting. So I guess since she recognizes all of them, we will begin working on sounds. Those videos cover sounds too, so something tells me this won't take long. I may be doing learning worksheets and crafts with her before I know it. So glad she loves learning. It's all fun and games to her. That's exactly how I want her to see it too. Learning IS fun!

Kadyn took any interest in Solitairre last night. We have an old ipod that is no longer in use as Jeff upgraded his recently. He has decided to load up angry birds and solitairre for K. I was kind of surprised and not suprised that she took a liking to solitairre as it seems it could be a confusing game, especially for a 5 year old. But if she likes it I'm all about letting her play. She has a beautiful mind that girl of mine. Probably my favorite thing as of late that K has started doing is reminding me to pray over her before she goes to school. I usually remember, but if I forget, I can always be assured K will remind me. I'm glad she feels it is important too.

The almighty nap

2011-09-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

Naptime......that very word stirs feelings of stress. In some ways I hate it. There always seems to be at least one child, if not two, who fight it. No matter how hard I try, having children nap in the same room of my house is next to impossible because almost inevitably one of them will wake another one. Therefore, I usually have one child per room. This makes this process much easier on me and the kids. The criers can go about their business of crying themselves to sleep and the sleepers can rest in peace.

However there are days when some of the kids aren't napping at the same time. One such day was when the baby was taking a morning nap. My big guy showed up decked out in his full batman costume. My little guy freaked out, hid in the corner of the room and screamed. That corner just happened to be on other side of the wall where the baby was sleeping. Baby had only been down for 5 minutes, woke and started screaming again. This after she had already been screaming forever just to get to sleep in the first place. Or there was the time the baby was down and I snuck into my room to get something. Little man followed me in. I didn't know this. I quietly shut the door. He freaks out on the other side. Baby wakes and starts screaming. Sigh!

It has gone all ways actually. Little man has also been sleeping peacefully when baby decided to throw a fit in the living room. Her wails woke little man and then he joined in on the wailing. Sigh! Or the time when big man woke because his paci fell out of his mouth and he was sitting on it unknowingly. He starts crying and wakes Bren who was in the bed beside his pack n play. Thus her nap was shot! Sigh!

Yes, I loathe naps and yet....I like them too. There are rare times when everyone is actually sleeping peacefully at the same time. Yes, unbelieveable isn't it? My only non napper watches a little television during this time. I gotta have some down time too you know. However, my down time doesn't usually consist of staying down. Usually this is the time when I clean the kitchen, prepare for preschool time, and catch up on laundry only if I can sneak into a napping room and sort it without waking anyone. If I'm lucky I even pick up some toys.

Aw naptime. I will forever love and hate you! Sigh! When do I get my nap?

I was afraid of that

2011-09-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

Today I got a call from the nurse's office at school. Apparently Kadyn had been complaining of a pain in her right side. Nurse said she was pale, hot, and sweaty, BUT she was not running a fever. My first thought, was she running around? Perhaps it was just a side stitch from physical activity. Nope no physical activity. Nurse said she felt best if we picked her up as there was a lot of stuff going around. I called Jeff and she came home around lunch time. Like magic the moment she stepped out of the car she had a big smile and said, "I feel much better." I was afraid of that. Let me explain.

The first week of school Kadyn ended up in the nurses office twice. The first time she said her chest hurt. No temp. Must be getting a cold I thought. Nurse said she thought it was allergies. Kadyn doesn't have allergies. Second time she ended up in the nurses office with a bloody nose. OK that's legit, I thought. Teacher lets her go to the nurse when Kadyn has a complaint because teacher says, "Kadyn isn't a complainer." Hmmm.....what's a mom to think?

So my plan of action was to go ahead and treat her like a sick kid. She is not allowed to have any contact with any of the daycare children for the rest of the day. She is shelled up in my room, no TV. I told her she has to rest all day because that is what sick people are supposed to do. At the moment, she is taking a nap, she never naps. No doubt, she'll have trouble going to sleep tonight because of that nap. At some point I may take a little pity on her and let her do some worksheets or something to pass the time in there all by herself.

She is supposed to attending an event with her dad tonight. That's out. Sick kids don't go to events with their dads. They stay home and rest.

Do I think she's sick? I'm about 99% sure she's not. Sure she was pale and hot and sweaty at the nurses office. Maybe she really did have a side ache. BUT...my daughter is naturally pale and she complains of the classroom being too hot so maybe that was the reason she was sweaty. My hope is that after today's experience of being 'sick' she may think twice before trotting down to the nurses office for a little pain in her side. I'm not sure if it's the attention she likes, or she just needs to toughen up from a little growing pains. But I need my daughter to only come home from school if it's legit. As I explained to her today, "You do this too much and people are going to stop believing you. Then when you really are sick, you're out of luck babe." I sure she takes that to heart after today.

Water in the drought

2011-09-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

My mom led me to a great site called the Blue Letter Bible. It really is amazing. You can access any verse in 18 different versions of the bible. It has countless commentaries, study tools,daily bible reading programs, images, maps, etc. It really is a neat resource for bible study. One of the features I really like is the quick little devotionals that you can look up. Today's verse of study was Jeremiah 17:5a, 7-8:

Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength…strong>Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but her leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit."

Wow what a powerful verse!

One of my facebook friends made mention that Obama needs to stop giving speeches as it seems the DOW goes down every time he does. Today's economy is so volatile isn't it? It really is a frightening time to be living. Our national security is uncertain. People all over the world are uprising against thier governments. Millions are without jobs and scraping to get by. Natural disasters seem to be all around us, adding onto the mayhem that already exists.

For a mother of young children like myself, imagining a world where my children will be safe, healthy, and happy, is sometimes hard to fathom. I'd like to believe that all these things are imminent signs of the end of times. I'd like to think that the return our our savior to take us home is just around the corner, but the truth is that there is no way to know for sure. So in the mean time, how do we find hope in times of such peril?

I believe this verse hits it on the head....our faith and trust has to lie in the Lord, not in man. If we are to obey this simple command we will be the trees that continue to flourish in today's rough times. Perhaps not in the way one might think. But to be free of the worry and anxious feelings that may accompany the knowledge of what is the reality around us and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE will be our water that helps us bear fruit even though we are in a horrible drought. What more could we ask for? Now breath easy.

On a Thursday night...

2011-09-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

...the Bilberry family was feeling a little silly. Funny thing is, we actually do this more than you think. Don't worry it's a short video ;)

Don't laugh at me

2011-09-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

I think this is a perfect example of how self conscience Bren has become lately of having people laugh at her. I wasn't even laughing at her in the beginning of this video, but she assumed I was and scolded me. By the end of the video I couldn't help myself. She was being so darn funny, it was hard to keep it in. You'll see what I'm talking about.

Branson High School

2011-09-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

The other day we were driving home and were really close to the Branson Highschool. I had never seen it before, so we decided to make a detour and check it out. I had heard that the new elementary school which will be be finished in two years (and where I want to apply when it opens) will be close to this highschool. It is really a nice High School and the football field even has a view.

The sun wasn't right for this pic, but the top part of that square is glass.

The students decorated the sidewalks for the beginning of school. We thought it looked neat.

Entrance to the stadium

Football stadium. The views are much better in person. Aw Branson! Love it!!!!

Landscaping fun

2011-09-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

One of Jeff and my favorite things to do is work in the yard together. We used to do it all the time before we had kids with our first home. Then we had Kadyn and working outside for any long stretch was just impossible, so Jeff was on his own with our Springfield home. Now we are in another new house and we have two kids that are both at an age where they can pretty much entertain themselves while we are working in the yard. They had a great time helping Dada shovel dirt, making mud pies (wish I regret not taking a photo of), and just playing in the dirt and getting muddy.

We hadn't envisioned making the first lawn project when we bought the house, but the house builders poured some extra concrete from the driveway on the side of the driveway, and then covered it with dirt and sod. Needless to say, the grass died in that spot. Jeff tried to jack hammer it out but couldn't. Solution number two was to bring in more dirt and put plants on top of that dirt. REALLY hope these plants take off. To balance things out, we made another planting bed on the other side of the driveway too.

North Side of driveway before

North side after. Bushes and mums should get much taller. There are two green boxwoods that blend in with the grass in the middle. Can't see them, but they are there. The mauve mum is kinda hard to see too. Sorry!

South side before

South side after. Again, things will look much better once things grow bigger. Next year we will replace mulch with rock.

Next up we are going to rock in the area next to the house. It is a pain in the butt to mow our little terraces and to keep grass growing in those areas. They are high traffic because of the kids and me getting to and from the hose. We got a good start. We will add plants next spring.

And of course, fall wouldn't feel right without a mum in a pot. I love planting things.

Journaling

2011-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

I have always kept a journal off and on. Usually when I'm going through some really tough stuff I break it out. I used to use the journal listed above, but I type so much faster than I write so I started keeping one on my computer. My personality lends itself to being an open book. I often put things on this blog that people wouldn't dream of putting on their own blogs. I guess the good thing about this is that I am brutally honest. There should never be any question of my honesty. However, there are just times I can't share. Reasons for not sharing usually include:

1. I fear the judgement from others for the way I feel or mistakes I've made
2. I fear people will find me unappreciative
3. I feel guilty
4. I don't want people to see me as a negative person with nothing good to say.
5. What I have to say is a conversation that needs to be hashed out with my God not with other people

Sure I could just sit down and pray silently to God and get it out of my system...or I could write it all down. My mother suggested I keep a prayer journal years ago. She emphasized that a prayer journal is a great way to see God work in your life because you can go back and see his hand in everything you prayed for as time passes. You will see the answers to prayers that you had earlier come to life as you read.

So...I started one years ago. Funny thing is, I can type and type and type pages, but if I sit down and pray outloud I sometimes fall short with words or can't seem to organize my thoughts the way I can in writing. Putting your feelings into writing is therapy.

Yesterday was one of those days when I was bubbling up inside with feelings that I needed to let out. I contemplated blogging, then thought that this really needed to be something between myself and God. I got out my computer and started typing. Part way through I could feel God speaking to me as he quickened things I was typing to the forefront of my mind to create new revelations and answers to questions. I thought about things in a different way.

When I finished I felt a weight lift. My day went much better. I didn't have a need to dump my issues on my husband the minute he walked through the door. Although I want to share with him my highs and lows, I also want to be mindful of always using him as a sounding board for my feelings. I know I don't always enjoy hearing about the same problem time after time after time, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing that to him.

So anyways, all this is to say that if you haven't started journaling and you can be a drama Mama at times, give it a try. You may find the liberation you've been waiting for. It's the best way to get it out, no judgement, no guilt, just getting personal and brutally honest with your heavenly father. He's a great listener and gives the best advice. Promise!

Had us rolling!

2011-09-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night as Kadyn was brushing her teeth we heard her in the bathroom making up a song and it was cracking us up to the point of tears. Jeff broke out the video camera and started recording. She had no idea we were recording until later as you will see. So this isn't a video where there is much to see, but it is quite funny if you have the patience to sit through it. For the record, she did not want me to post this, but I hope she will understand why I did when she gets older. When your kid does something this funny, you just want to share the fun. She did laugh when we played it back for her. Just to clue you in, Bren saw us hee hawing and tried to rush in to the bathroom at one point to get Kadyn to stop, I guess she thought she was rescuing Kadyn from embarrassment. The end when she finds out we were recording is my favorite part.

Kids update

2011-09-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't done one of these in awhile, so I thought now would be a good time.

Bren

Bren has been doing very well adjusting to Kadyn being gone. I was a little worried, but it turned out to be for no good reason. I had a much harder time the first day of Kadyn's absence than Bren did. Every now and then she asks about Kadyn and gets anxious to go pick her up from the school bus at the top of the hill, but for the most part, as long as her daycare buddy is around, she's fine.

She is really starting to get into learning and I am taking full advantage. It seemed learning the first few letters of the alphabet took awhile, but once we got past letter D she really started flying. Just today she learned J and K. Two letters in one day! Not bad for a 2.5 year old! That's almost a record compared to other kids I've worked with. She never tires of it. Today we drew letters in flour on a cookie sheet. We also play a letter recognition game with bottle caps (from my previous post). She also plays a letter game on fisherprice.com. She loves it all!

I have also begun working with Bren on coloring correctly. This means holding her crayon in a pencil grip fashion and staying in the lines. The first day I worked with her she stopped and said, "That fun! Let's do it again." I love that I have another little eager beaver when it comes to learning. Kadyn left me with a passion for learning and I'm so thankful that at least for now, it appears Bren may be following in those same footsteps.

Bren's personality seems to be growing everyday too. She is SUPER sensitive. She doesn't like to be laughed at but loves a good laugh. She has developed the cutest fake laugh that entails throwing her head back and looking up at the ceiling when she does it. It is sooo funny! Of course we get scolded from her for laughing at her cute fake laugh. Bren has also perfected the pouty look. She's notorious for hanging her head as low as it will go, poking out her bottom lip and walking off slowly when she is sad about something. It may be one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen. Never have to guess how that girl is feeling.

She continues to tell me she loves me several times a day, randomly. It melts me every time. Sometimes she also proceeds to tell me what she doesn't love. So far she has told me she doesn't love bad guys and bed bugs. I love that girl! She growing up WAY too fast.

Kadyn

My big girl has begun kindergarten as you all know. I was a little worried that she wouldn't be challenged at school and until today that fear was true. Today she finally came home with a beginning reader's book that she was supposed to read to me from her teacher. They had been working on the letter 'L' at school and the book was full of L words. K said she was the only one that was sent home with the book and that her teacher helped her with it at school. This was HUGE relief to me. Now I can rest assured that she will continue to grow and flourish in her learning at school rather than remain stagnant.

She has not had any trouble making friends and seems to be super chummy with one particular little girl named Kaylee. There are other classmates that play with her on occasion, but mostly I hear a lot about Kaylee. I am so relieved and glad that this process has been relatively easy for her. I was a shy kid at school. I didn't want that for her. She pretty much did as well as I thought she would, thank goodness.

I have noticed a slight change in her behavior at home. It used to be that whenever Kadyn was told 'no' for whatever reason, I was in for a challenge. Lately, she's been much better about accepting no's and moving on. In fact, I think I have only been challenged on a 'no' one day since she has started school. Funny thing is, she tried to blame it on other kids at school commenting, "I learned how to behave this way from kids at school." Nope Kadyn, you've always known how to argue with Mama, that excuse isn't going to work. It's pretty wierd. Mentally I prepare myself for an fight with her, but to my surprise she's been pleasant when it comes to those no's. Now that's a change I can handle!

One of the things I absolutely adore about Kadyn is her passion for music (well both my girls really). But Kadyn does something that Bren doesn't. At the end of every movie she watches, she always feel compelled to get up and dance. It is so cute and endearing. I have noticed that FINALLY she is starting to sing on pitch. Not always, but it is coming. This is a HUGE relief to this former music teacher.

The artwork that Kadyn brings home from school just keeps getting better and better. She is constantly drawing pictures for us at school and putting on them,

"To Mom and Dad and Brennan, Love Kadyn."

So sweet and precious! Love her!!!!!!! Last weekend she spent a good hour drawing and cutting out all sorts of treasures to give to her friends. I love that she loves to be creative. I hope she never looses that passion.

All in all, we are off to a great start of the school year with both girls. I'm so very proud of both of them and so blessed to have them in my lives. They are so precious and the joys of my life.

Manhattan/KC 2011 Trip Part III

2011-09-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

After our fine dining experience (which the kids LOVED) the kids played in a fountain and then we bought them new shoes. It turned out to be a good thing as I found out they Bren was wearing shoes 1 size too small and Kadyn's were 1.5 sizes to small. We called their shoes their 'souvenirs'. Later it was back to the hotel and then the next day we met up with some more ruska friends to explore the Deana Rose Farm together. But first....we had to get a little IHOP in where I finally let go of my controlling Mommy reigns and let the girls pick whatever they wanted. They picked chocolate funny face pancakes. I remember eating funny face pancakes when I was a kid too. Good choice girls! Sorry the pics are all out of order. I'm having fits with blogger tonight.

There were cow bells to ring

There were milking cows to see and pet.

Bren's butt crack kept making an appearance. I can't keep pants up on her.

There was a saddle to sit in.

Just chilling in an old school house.

Kadyn was lightening fast running from teepee to teepee

Bren did a face plant TWICE in the dirt trying to keep up with sissy running from Teepee to teepee

The girls LOVED having another girl to chum around with

I think bottle feeding the baby goats was definitely my fav.

Feeding the fish was pretty cool too.

OK out of order here, but again these baby goats were soooo cool!


That smile makes it all worth it. It's good isn't it?				Great vacation!

Manhattan/KC 2011 Trip Part II

2011-09-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

After we got to KC we stopped at a friend's house. The girls got to play with their three year old twins and enjoyed getting to play with new toys. Jeff and I enjoyed good adult conversation. Later we went to "Legends" a new shopping plaza area on the North West area of the KC metro. I'll let the pictures do the talking from there. I may have to do this in a lot of different posts. Blogger is giving me fits tonight.

We got to go the coolest restaurant called T-Rex where we saw...

A huge octopus and...


A huge flying dinosaurs and of course...

A huge life sized moving T-REX!!!!!!!!AAAAAA!!!!!

Getting pumped up for our K-State Game!

2011-09-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

Manhattan/KC 2011 Trip Part I

2011-09-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

I don't remember if I posted that the girls and I got Jeff some tickets to the first K-State game of the season for Father's day. So if I didn't, now you know. We got to see a lot of great friends along the way and really enjoy a good chunk of time off. I never remember to take pics whenever we are with our friends. I think I get so involved in good adult conversation that pictures are the last thing on my mind. Sigh! Another time maybe. I did, however, remember to take pics of activities we partook. So here we are, our trip in pics and from the kids' point of view.

We enjoyed tap dancers at Purple Power Play and...

...hanging out with our good friends Dave and Lori for the pep rally and...

...watching the show from Dada's shoulders and...

...man those fireworks were loud! Then....


...we had NO problem getting to sleep after all that fun! The next day...

...we finally made it to the game after visiting with friends and a LONG walk!

We saw a cool band, football game, and...

...some classy cats. BUT....

...we got bored so Mom provided a little entertainment from her purse and...

...Dad provided a little distraction in the form of sugar ice.


Dad also saved the day when it got cold. The blanket made the perfect thing to play hide and seek in. Yet another distraction from our boredom. Thanks Dad! We love our new K-State blanket!


The next day we were on our way to KC. Not having any naps caught up with Bren on the way there. More to come.

If I make it two years...

2011-08-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

...it'll be a miracle. Sometimes I feel like everytime I post about daycare it's always whine, whine, whine. My apologies. I suppose watching 9 kids (collectively) other than your own for the past 5 years has gotten the better of me. I have strong moments with big highs and very low moments when I feel like I am going to go crazy! The last two weeks have been more of the later.

I never set out to do this job. It was created out of necessity to stay afloat while I try to remain home to make sure I get to be with my girls in the most formative years of their lives. This decision has proven to be the right one despite all of it's drawbacks. The proof was in an email I received from Kadyn's teacher last Friday which read,

"Just wanted to check in and let you know how much I appreciate Kadyn. She is a teacher's dream! She listens well, follows all the rules and is always willing to help. I often lift her up as a good example and role model. I hope to get the students assessed next week so that we can individualize instruction soon. Thank you for everything you did to prepare Kadyn for kindergarten. She came very well prepared!"

Reading those words affirmed to me that it has all been worth it. I try to count my blessings as I know things could be much worse and I know my job is the path God has chosen for me. I have to confess though, I envy mothers who are able to just stay at home and just be....mom. Yesterday as I ended my day I realized I hadn't worked with Brennan on one thing. I find such joy in working with the older kids on letters, numbers, etc. She was just kind of left to fend on her own as I was constantly tending to a fussy infant and a whiny, ornery toddler who gets into everything.

Sometimes I just want to scream to God, "Why? Why? Why?" Why do I seem to ge the infants who are border line colicky? Why do I get the toddlers who whack my kid in the head with toys and bite? Why do I have to get the kids who destroy my house and throw all out temper tantrums. Why do I get the parents who are in crisis mode with their family lives? Heck, why can't I just be a stay at home mom and nothing else? Just a chance to enjoy my own children and give them ALL of me. Just a mom who can take her kid to the park when she wants, a casual playdate away from home, a quick run to the grocery store, a swim lesson or two, or even surprise Dada for a lunch date? Needless to say, there are days I've feel I've given myself away to other people's children and there is little left for my own family. It's a very guilty feeling that, if I'm not careful, can leave me feeling bitter and angry. Let's face it, children of this age are a lot of take and not a whole lot of give.

God always puts me in my place when I watch the news. Families who have lost their jobs, their homes, their entire lives due to the economy or natural disasters. The countless broken families. The single mothers who are trying to do it all on their own. Who am I to complain because I have minimal contact with the adult world, been pacing the floors with an infant who refuses to be happy or let me get ANYTHING done, a toddler who won't eat anything I cook and then whine because he's hungry, a daughter who refuses to poop in the potty, a parent who can never seem to pick her kid up on time, my list could go on and on and on and on. I feel so accountable for each and every child. I want to give each and every child a 100% every day, but some days it is just impossible because one child steals their time from me at the cost of another. I suppose I sometimes hold myself to an impossible standard. I need to stop doing that. I am NOT super mom! It's all so very frustrating and exhausting.

Nope, I have no right to complain. My heavenly father is taking care of me, even if it isn't in the way I'd prefer. I have a strong marriage to an amazing man. Wonderful children who I can be proud of and who behave....most of the time. A beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world. And the hope of career that I love and can return to when the time is right an the doors are open.

I'm not entirely sure why God has chosen this path for me. But it is very, very hard at times. I find myself daydreaming of my old job more and more each day. No more wiping butts, snotty noses, bouncing fussy babies, tripping over kids and toys, breaking up preschool squabbles, disciplining ornery toddlers, searching for binkies or things I just sat down that little hands took off with, etc. etc. Just doing what I love....teaching. Creating those lightbulb moments for children and watching their faces light up when they 'get it.' Being around all those other adults who have that same passion and swapping stories. Man I miss doing that all the time.

Part of me feels guilty for going back to work before Bren turns 5. If I get the job I hope to get in two years, she will be 4.5. However, my heart tells me she will be just fine. By 4.5 most children are pretty independent and pretty understanding of rules and expectations. Language is pretty much mastered and an understanding of God and how to have a relationship with him is in place. These are the big 'must haves' in my book in order for me to be able to leave my child in someone else's care. These are the things that I want to be solely responsible to teach my children, not by someone else. So I know that when and if the door opens for me to return to my career happens in two years, I will go ahead and move in that direction. If not, God help me.

Until then, I try to hang on by a thread each day and count my blessings. It's hard, very hard. Glad I am getting away this weekend. My batteries need recharged for sure.

She already gets it

2011-08-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was strapping Kadyn into her carseat I reminded her that Monday was a school day and she would have to make sure to get to bed on time. She said,

"Man, I wish we had one more day off."

Jeff and I laughed quite a bit at that comment. Only a week and a half in and she gets it. Every person who's ever gone to school or worked a job has probably said that. She totally gets it. Although she still enjoys school, I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume the newness has worn off.